BussBuss


Style FIle Last-Minute Holiday Gift Guide 2009 Holiday Deals Gift Guide Gift Guide: Who's Your Daddy or Graddy? 50 Gift Picks for Father's Day & Grads Archives The Archives Powered by Movable Type 3.2ysb5-20051201	Who Doesn't Have Problems? Exactly. Send your questions here -- anonymity guaranteed. Read all about The VaVas and how they've found luck in love, work and life and how you, too, can get your mojo up to speed at www.vavamojos.com Dear VaVas, Do you think it is possible to have a meaningful relationship with someone who does not share the same political or religious views as you? I'm a democrat, he's a republican, he believes in God and I don't. - Confused Polar Opposite Dear Confused and PO'd, Ever heard of Mary Matalin and James Carville? Maria and Arnold? They make it work! However, sharing basic values is important in building a meaningful relationship. Sometimes, we have to agree to disagree. Keep us posted. Meanwhile, we'll pray for you. Dear VaVas, I desperately need your help! Guy problems, of course. I've had on-and-off relationships and all the guys want to do is make out. I mean I don't mind, but it's constant! So the other day I'm walking down the street in a nice pink skirt and a cami and a guy comes and whistles at me and asks me for my phone number! What is going on here? I mean, I am flattered, but it's not my style. What do I do to make guys wanna go out with me for my personality and not my looks? By the way, I love your website!! - Used & Confused Dear Used & Confused, The VaVas understand. Sounds like you've got your Vavamojo workin' overtime. One option you have is to stop wearing it, but we don't recommend it. Honey, remember you are the one in control -- you decide who, where, when, what and how much. Body language speaks loudly. A woman with a confident attitude goes a long way. A firm "NO" goes even further. Dear VaVas, I recently introduced my boyfriend to my niece who I love dearly (by the way, I'm only 2 years older than she is). We visited her at a club she manages. We enjoyed some conversation and introductions were made. When the owner of the club kissed my hand and said hello, my boyfriend got so upset that he left me there. It was very humiliating. He said that I should have never let another man kiss my hand. To him it was as bad as a kiss on the mouth. To me, it's a flattering gesture. I'm confused. I do not know how to take my boyfriend's behavior. Should I stay or should go? - Perturbed & Pondering Dear Perturbed & Pondering, Hand-kissing 101, shall we? Did you first extend your hand, thus granting him permission? Was his buss below your knuckle or above? You see, love, this is the only way the gesture is welcomed and considered gallant. However, PP, this is not the problem at hand. Run, don't walk, don't even look back...been there, done that. Trust us. Dear VaVas, My husband of two and a half years recently got a great new job. The only problem with it is that it requires him to live almost four hours away. It has been a month since he has moved and although he comes home on his days off, I'm still quite lonely. We expect that it will be at least 6 months until he can request a transfer back home but nothing is guaranteed. Every day that passes by gets harder and harder and although I want to be supportive, it is really bumming me out. What should I do?? Should I do the unthinkable as a career woman and give up my fantastic job to move and be with him? Should I stay put and just find a hotty on the side to romance me during the week? Or should I pretend to suck it up, all the while falling into depression? - Lonely in The Lone Star State Dear Lonely, Puhleeze! If this is your attitude, my dear, you'll soon be singing "All My Exes Live in Texas." You are a nincompoop! This is not the dress rehearsal. What about all the military spouses who are living in limbo with no guarantees?? At 20 years of age, my husband of three months left for a year in Vietnam. This month we celebrated our 35th anniversary. Lonely, you are stronger than you are giving yourself credit for. Stay the course. Dear VaVas, Is it smart to date someone prettier than you? What about somebody who is rude and crude and makes you sick, but is sexy as hell? Just asking...nobody in mind... - Lusty in LA Dear Lusty, Smart??? Nope, just lucky. Sexy and rude??? Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Move on. Dear VaVas, My job is to interview celebrities all day. Problem is, all I hear is "blah, blah, blah" when they talk. What's the best way to appear interested when I'm SO not? Also, is it time to reflect inward when my biggest nemesis in life is Matthew Perry, who sensed my hatred so much at a Golden Globes party that he actually apologized to me? Is it even worse when nemesis #2 is Seth Green? - Hatin' in Hollywood Dear Hatin' in Ho-wood, The VaVas believe you should never stay in a situation that does not bring you joy. Take your skill set and find another job. Your personal and professional success depends on it. As Jack Nicholson reminds us in Anger Management, just sing "I Feel Pretty." By the way, my 26-year-old is a journalism major and looking for a job. Do let us know when yours is available. Dear Goddess, I have a jealousy problem and I think that I am doing it to boycott my relationship. I don't like it when my boyfriend mentions his ex-girlfriend around me -- he almost never talks about her but when he does I try to twist things around and make it look like: "I told you were still in love with her," and it doesn't matter how many times my boyfriend tells me that he likes me or he has no feelings like those for her, I continue to be upset. Why can't I trust my boyfriend and be more confident in who I am and what I am about? Thank you for reading goddess, you are very patient. - Green with envy and it's making me blue Dear Green-Blue, Let me make this plain and clear for you: If you continue acting this way, you're going to end up alone. And it's not because you're not good enough, it's because no one can tolerate someone accusing them of false things or beating them up all the time. Think about how awful and inadequate you're making your boyfriend feel, as if he's not doing enough to show his love. Luckily, it seems you recognize this is your problem and not his, and I cannot tell you why you feel irrationally jealous and destructive, but I can tell you to stop. The problem is, unless you make a real effort to work on it, this problem will follow you around and pop up in every relationship, until you wind up alone, all all alone. So focus on changing your perspective. You're in a relationship with what probably is a very loving and patient guy, you're healthy, and you probably have every opportunity in the world. Think about all those people in the world who have REAL problems, like where they're gonna get their next meal. Hopefully that'll make you appreciate all that you have, and you'll make every effort to hold on to it. Chin up. Dear Goddess, I ran into your website tonight, and I must say I am speechless! It's like I've run into a dream come true! I've recently started to design and make my own bags and accessories, and have always been interested in art. I was just wondering how you got started with all this! You seem to have a very successful and thriving business on your hands, with such awesome stuff! What would you suggest to a fellow designer that has no clue how to start a business such as this? I've started selling my 'stuff' to friends and family, but would love to expand my client base. How'd you get started? I'm already a great admirer of your work! I'll keep looking for new stuff! And the lonely guy...I'm totally right there with him with the whole internet dating thing, and not knowing where to go to find people my age to date...small world huh... - Designer Chic Dear Designer Chic, Congrats on your creative endeavors and on your wonderful taste-- that's fabulous! And a huge thank you for your kind words and compliments. For that you get a hot pink star! As for how I got started, basically the same way as you, it sounds. And the same way many of us did. I started playing around with ideas and experimenting with fabrics, got great feedback from family and friends and thought why the heck not. I wish I had some kind of keen business secret to share but I don't. They're basic things that a lot of people just seem to ignore sometimes. Building your own site is the best, easiest (in the end) and cheapest thing you can do to display your work. It gives you instant exposure and allows you to start selling your goodies without being dependent on other shops to pick your items up. And it allows you to reach a worldwide audience. It's truly priceless. It's also great for testing the waters. You might thing something's a fab idea, but if no one's buying or interested, it's a good indicator that you might wanna rethink your idea. Get the word out as much as possible. Tell everyone you know and that you don't know what you're up to -- don't be afraid to pimp yourself out (meaning don't be shy when it comes to talking about your work). At the same time, know that rejection will come as everyone has different tastes, but that that's just part of the game. Don't take it personally or get discouraged --simply let it fuel your fire. Move on and find your audience. Link up with as many sites as you can. Take classes to master your craft. Just enjoy it all!! Because it is, or will become, your life. Tell as many editors as you can about your work -- free press is invaluable. Attend craft and art markets. Definitely invest a little money in printing business cards so people know about you and will remember you. And as cheesy as it may sound, keep trying and always believe in yourself. You're the one with the vision and no one else may believe it or be able to see it until you bring it to fruition, so go out there and show 'em what you've got. Keep us updated on your progress -- we'd love to see your work! Dear Goddess, I have a problem. I'm 16 years old and have never had a date. I'm overweight and have tried losing for the last 10 years. All I want is to go to a school dance with a boy, or maybe FINALLY HAVE a boyfriend. - Dateless and Depressed Dear D&D, This may sound trite, but it's something you need to hear and try to actually believe as soon as possible, as it will save you tons of time and years of anguish: Boys aren't worth it. The most important thing is to be happy with yourself, whether you choose to be 200 pounds or 100 pounds, everybody is different and that's what makes us unique. Your priority in life is to be a happy, healthy you -- nobody else's acceptance of you is going to matter until you accept yourself. That may sound cheesy, but it's 100% true. Trust me. And once you do, the funny thing is you'll realize that your soaring self-confidence will have people flocking to you. High school seems like the most important thing in the world right now, because it is your world, but in a few short years, it'll be over. And your perspective will become much different. You'll be in the so-called "real world" where people are much more mature than the people you have to see on an everyday basis now, and worrying about boys and weight will seem ridiculous to you, and you'll have regretted that you even sweated it. So, take my advice, and fugget about it. You rock! Keep in touch and let us know how you're doing. And if it's any consolation, the Goddess didn't really start dating until she was 17 or so, and she's HOT! Dear Goddess, This is the first time I've logged on to bussbuss.com and I really liked your section. OK, enough of that, this is my problem: I compare myself to other people, actually other women and I feel that they are prettier, happier and smarter than me. I mean I know that I have some good qualities but I just don't think I'm good enough. For example, my best friend is this really cute, cute, cute, petite girl who is always talking about all the men that pursue her. It is true, men DO pursue her and she is always talking about it. I think that I am a little envious of her because I'm 5'10" and she is 5'1" and for some reason I think that men do like petite girls more. So I feel like crap, because my height is something that I'll never be able to change no matter how pretty I am in the face. Or could these be mood swings? I just started the patch. OK, thank you Goddess for reading this and I'll appreciate any of your comments. - Not Good Enough Dear Not Good Enough, The problem is not your height, rather it is your insaneness. Do you know how many girls would kill to be 5'10"? About all the ones who are 5'9" and under! The grass truly is always greener on the other side. As far as comparing yourself in physical ways, you are probably the only one out of all your friends who qualifies to be a supermodel -- take pleasure in that! Take pleasure that when you walk into a room, you are probably ogled and envied by many. Walk tall with pride! Now for what's on the inside: feeling not smart enough or not happy enough is all within your control, unlike your height. Are you a nice person? Do you make an effort to be kind to others? To be kind to yourself? Allow yourself to explore hobbies and interests. Go out and volunteer and help others. You'll realize how trivial your "problem" really is. I truly hope your doldrums are just mood swings and Patch-induced, because then these feelings will be fleeting, as they should be. We all go through periods when we feel less than our best, but comparing yourself to others is a no-win situation. Evaluate yourself on your own merits, be happy with the things you've accomplished and the progress you've made over your lifetime so far. Because until you love and appreciate yourself, it's a sure bet no one else will. And may I recommend Yasmin? Dear Goddess, I broke up with a long-term girlfriend not that long ago, but am finding it very hard to meet someone new. Part of it is that at our age, there's no built-in social network if you're no longer at college. But also, I'm sometimes painfully shy, which is really difficult if you're a guy. Online dating helps, but there are some weird people on there, and I can never think of anything to say in my first e-mail to someone. Any tips for finding Ms. Right given all these factors? - Sadly in Solitude Dear Sadly in Solitude, You don't know how many times I've seen this question. And you're absolutely right about the lack of a built-in social network -- it's something we're never taught in school -- how to meet people once you're not constantly surrounded by people your own age on a daily basis. You've already recognized that it would be helpful to have a social network of some sort, which is why I highly recommend building one of your own. Get up off the couch and get involved with any sports, hobbies, charities and activities of the like that you can think of. You'll be doing something you like and chances are you'll at least meet new friends this way. Friends who have friends...perhaps really cute single ones. In many ways, dating really is a numbers game, well unless you believe in fate, in which case there's no need to sit around lonely waiting for your soul mate to arrive on your doorstep since you're destined to meet her anyway, so be as active as possible in the meantime. The great thing about taking a class, joining a team, or getting involved with a charity or professional organization is that you're generally put in a fun, natural environment. I'm not at all against dating online, but how could your first date not be awkward? At least this way, you'll get a chance to see how a person acts before you ask them out! And even if you don't meet people of a romantic nature, you'll be developing a hobby or skill, networking, contributing to society -- self-improvement's always a plus, a very attractive plus. Some things to consider: If you're into media, go to mediabistro.com or ed2010's cocktail parties. If you're into the outdoors, join a hiking group. If you're into art, take some painting classes. If you're looking for something specifically centered around meeting people, where other attendees know this is the goal, check out the following: 8 Minute Dating Hurry Date Eight at Eight And never underestimate the power of friendster. Just remember to relax and have fun. Good luck and let us know how it goes! Dear Ever-Knowing Goddess, Okay, so about a month ago I moved into a new apartment. Everything about it at first glance seemed to be great. The price, the laid-back albeit crazily clean roommate, the loft bed built in to create more space, the proximity to public transportation, and again, the price- because it was that good. Now that I'm living there though, things are a bit strange. The roommate is the principle problem. There are others, but they would be tolerable if the roommate wasn't so awkward. My roommate is a guy and he's never lived with a girl, so I guess that was why he would come into my room to drop off mail. I told him to not do that please and he wigged a little. Well, I guess he wigged more than a little. He wigged significantly enough to ask his girlfriend about it. His girlfriend totally set him straight. So that serious problem got fixed. But certain boundary issues remain. For example, him coming over to my room at 12:30 at night (I'm still awake- but working on the computer) and yakking to me about this movie he saw and yadda yadda about the world. (At 12:30 in the morning, when I'm BUSY.) Another example is talking about literally everything under the sun when I've got one foot in the bathroom cuz I have to take a poo. Whatever, other issues include that I'm a subleasee and therefore don't really feel like the place is very much mine. I mean I'm sure I can sit on the couch, have friends over, eat at the kitchen table, but it's awkward. Especially so if he's home and yakking to me. I mostly try to stay in my bedroom with the loft bed and sit on the bean bag chair and do whatever whenever. Right, so, the place isn't half mine, we don't exactly click yet as roomies, and I essentially feel like I'm in a dorm room because the décor is blech, and I don't feel it in my power to change that. Uh, and he has this weird thing where he wants me to announce all friends at all times- regardless the length of their stay and location, i.e. 15 minutes in my bedroom. (jigga why?) And now, another situation looms on the horizon- fast approaching. My friend from college has now decided to give New York the ol' post graduate try. She will be looking for a place and a job in September. That's less than a month away. And so when she wrote me, I was so excited that a friend of mine would be moving here, that I hastily wrote to her asking her if she was looking for a roommate. I was just so excited. We haven't been roommates before, but having been her friend, I feel confident that a roommate situation would serve us perfectly. We can communicate without it being awkward, we could design together (an exciting prospect given the fact that the current interior design and decoration is both yick and unchangeable). And she's a good buddy and I've had the opportunity to meet past roommates and situations and they are all just so dreamy! However, as of yet (the next day) I haven't heard from her. So the actual problem hasn't arisen, but it's there, and perhaps I should pre-empt the problem with a solution before I'm racking my brain in the middle of a sticky sitch. Should I dive headlong into a new situation with a good friend, unsure of what we may find and how much it will cost just because I have a personality problem with my current and very new roommate? Will my current roommate be pissed at me if I end up telling him I want to move out, and soon? Should I care? When he interviewed me to move in he said that he wanted someone would stay for at least a month or two...Should I stick out the new sitch, and hope that over time we will come to an understanding of each other, despite our lack of clickage? I don't want to move a whole lot more and I would hope that moving in with my friend would feel semi-permanent. Obviously, I don't have to make this decision TODAY, but it may come up very soon, and I would love to find out what the Goddess would say. -Unsettled Dear Unsettled, You are on the right track in that you are at least questioning what your options are instead of assuming and making rash judgments. It's definitely possible to try to improve your current situation -- however awkward it may be. At least your roommate cared enough to mention your feelings to his girlfriend and then he corrected his mistakes. So if you do end up staying in your current digs, at least the guy seems malleable. You just have to be careful not to bottle things up and be sure to bring up your feelings maturely and calmly. But that all sounds a little boring, doesn't it? Since you are a sublessee, who didn't even sign a lease, you are under no legal obligation to stay for any amount of time. You said that during his "interview" process pre-move-in that he desired someone who would stay for a month or two -- you'll far exceed his expectations by being there for a full three months (way to go supersta!). If he were to not like you and told you to move out, you'd have no choice but to get the hell out of dodge (where is dodge anyway?). You would only hope that he'd give you politely long enough notice to find a new home. So be sure to do the same for him. Once you are 100% positive that you will be moving out, and keep in mind that there are always problems associated with living with friends too, give him a month's notice so he will have enough time to replace you. Hopefully (and he has no just reason to) he won't get mad and kick you out before you've found a new place. It wouldn't be financially viable on his part to do so, so the chances are slim. But since life is full of uncertainties, perhaps he finds the perfect new roommate who has to move in two weeks before you're ready to move out, be prepared to have a temporary place to stay in between -- just in case. I hope whatever option you decide is best for you, your happiness, and your pocketbook, that you have a fun and happy home. Go forth nomad and multiply! Dear Goddess on a Mountaintop, I have this friend who I chat with everyday, all day. She and I go through our daily moods on AOL Instant Messenger. I like having a pal with whom I can share my thoughts as they happen... like when someone says something rude, I can tell her right away instead of holding it in and taking it out on the house pet. Here's the problem: we both go through these tremendous mood swings -- typically her getting upset, sometimes crying, and me getting angry. Often I get so mad I just end up getting mad at her and sarcasm comes out. I know this isn't the greatest way to deal with being upset, but at least I've moved past violence. Anyway... this friend is always asking me out on the weekdays for drinks, or on the weekends. This is the problem. I feel like we already talk about so much while on instant messenger, why do we need to actually see each other and talk about nothing because we've covered everything that has happened between yesterday at 5:00 and today at 5:00. What else is there to talk about? We've seen each other after work, but it's awkward -- we don't say anything, and most of the time I'm sensitive to what has gone on over IM during the course of the day and I'm cautious to avoid topics that have been problem areas during work hours. Anyway, the question is how do I go about dealing with this? I've tried simply not signing on to IM for a good portion of the day, but I get bored and end up signing on, only to have her stalkerize me by asking me what took me so long to sign on. I end up making up an excuse... yadda yadda. My current solution, albeit a necessarily temporary one, is to simply avoid outside contact with her. She annoys me and I don't have to have her take up my time to annoy me -- this is obviously alienating her. And the "annoyment" may simply be symptomatic of spending too much e-time with her. Help me here, I would like to maintain a friendship, but it's getting more and more taxing to IM all day, then dodge her invites after work. Thanks so much. You really do know everything, right? - ODed on IM Dear ODed on IM, Been there, done that (or still doing that I should say). Emailing and Iming can be such a convenience and luxury, but it can also be a total time waster as well. When you're online Iming all day, that's just another form of socializing and constantly communicating with someone, which can be totally taxing on your brain. Everyone needs a break, some alone time -- time to get stuff done or just unwind. I could suggest the most mature and direct approach of telling your friend your problem, but that would most likely only hurt her delicate feelings and accomplish nothing. Make both of your lives easier by creating a secret screen name. I know people who have them, and am about to get one for myself, and it really is a great solution. You can still be online when you want, but you can talk to who you want to talk to when you want to talk to them. And when your friend asks why you haven't been logging on, simply say that you were busy and needed to get stuff done. Then seeing her in your off-time should be fun again. Problem e-solved. Dear Goddess on a Mountaintop, Can lovemaking ever go on too long? Sometimes I don't think my girlfriend appreciates my knack for extended nocturnal nastiness. - Chafed in California Dear Chafed in California, Hurry up, buddy! Your girlfriend's tired and wants to go to sleep, or she's bored and wants to watch the rest of Letterman, already. It's not always quantity as much as quality, so maybe spice it up instead of elongating it, so to speak. Or here's a novel idea, talk to her about it -- I'm sure the two of you can come to a conclusion that is mutually beneficial. Dear Goddess on a Mountaintop, If masturbating is wrong, why did God give me thumbs? - Kwyjibo Dear Kwyjibo, If I had a dime for every time someone's asked me that one...I'd have a nickel. While thumbs have many more uses than the one you've brought up, a little stroke and choke continues to rank as a favorite with evolved species over the world, according to the World Forum on Alternative Uses for Opposable Thumbs. So keep thumbin' along on, I say, keep thumbin' along! Dear Goddess on a Mountaintop, Is it alright, when necessary, for me to let it rip in front of my husband? He has no inhibitions when it comes to passing gas in front of me. Isn't it only fair that I have the same freedom to express? - Ready to Blow Dear Ready to Blow, An eye for an eye I say! But beware: Couples have a tendency to get really comfortable with one another. In some ways, this is great, in other ways, it kind of...stinks. Before letting 'em fly, tell your husband that it really turns you off, and that it reminds you of your dad. If he doesn't respond to this overtly unsubtle hint, then I say teach him a long, hard lesson. Chances are he won't like it, and he'll make more of an effort to keep his cheeks in check, and if not, well at least you won't have a tummy ache. Also, one word, two syllables: Beano. Good luck! Dear Gorgeous Goddess, I am enjoying your website immensely, but I have a huge problem -- I've just turned 29! Which means I have only one year left until I'm obsolete and unable to enjoy your site any longer! Should I stop having birthdays and start celebrating yearly anniversaries of my 29th birthday? Should I turn twenty-ten next year? While I AM looking forward to my thirties since my life will become just like "Sex in the City" and I'll have all these fabulous friends in New York and date tons of hot guys and buy shoes, shoes shoes...I just can't bear not being part of your twentysomething community any more! What, oh what should I do, dear Goddess? - On the Edge Dear On the Edge This is a question I've been struggling with recently myself. What happens when I turn 30? Will my life be over like I thought it would be when I was younger? Will anyone accept me for the old hag that I am? And what about my twentysomething friends who are 29 now -- will I stop being friends with them, until I, too, turn 30, and can start a website for thirtysomethings? After some deep soul-searching and Dunkin Donuts-munching, the answer came to me. LA Denial! No one in LA tells their real age. And anybody who's anybody adheres to LA standards. So why should you or I feel the need to tell the truth? When you turn twenty-ten, again and again, year after year, celebrate this most important occasion with a little liquor, a handful of friends, and a whole lotta Botox. And remember, you're only as young as you pretend to be, so keep up those injections and deceptions and, as always, Keep Kissin' It One Day at a Time. (Note: Advice subject to change when Goddess on a Mountaintop actually turns 30 and decides 30 is the new 20.) Dear Goddess on a Mountaintop, I have a rubber ducky fetish and I'm looking for a partner. I found this one girl who liked rubber duckies too, but it turned out she was nuts. How can I find a normal girl who's into rubber duckies? - Nuts for Ducks Dear Nuts, I'm not sure all fetishes are meant to be shared. I mean, it's like they're your own special little secrets, so why waste them on someone else, who most likely will only look down her beak at you? In fact, I'd recommend never sharing in general. I find it utterly annoying. But, if you feel truly ready to share, and all your ducks are in a row, so to speak, then perhaps you could ask for the mailing lists of the following sites: www.SexToyFetish.com www.Tickles.com Surely, you can find a chick who shares your interests. If not, perhaps this sharing thing isn't all it's quacked up to be? Let us know how it goes. Dear Goddess on a Mountaintop, I have a four-pound male Yorkie for a pet that gets very excited every time company comes over. He especially gets excited when children or other dogs come over for a visit. Due to his excited state, my Yorkie has earned the nickname "Red Rocket.” I think you get my drift. This is embarrassing to say the least. Once Red Rocket launches, it can stay in a "ready" state for several hours. Red Rocket is 12 years old. Once Red Rocket got stuck and had to go to the vet. When we called the vet to get an appointment, the receptionist wanted to know what was wrong. We told her it looked like our dog was on Viagra! Is this a common problem for dogs? Is our dog a pervert? Or does our dog need some booty? Please help. - Rocket Launcher Dear Rocket Launcher, It sounds to me like the little guy needs some bitch booty -- fast. It also seems that you didn’t heed the sage advice of Bob Barker of getting your pet spayed or neutered. When you don’t help your dog to help himself, is it really such a surprise that an embarrassing problem like this might, uh umm, arise? Just think how Red Rocket must feel. My advice to you is to put yourself in his paws. As your dog is in his golden years, why not treat him to a visit to the local cathouse -- more than just feline frolicking is offered, if you catch my drift. This way, everyone’s "happy." Dear Goddess on a Mountaintop, How do I get my husband of eight years to be romantic rather than just wanting to jump on? - Can’t Get No Satisfaction Dear No Satisfaction, I’d suggest you tell him, but I assume he’s too busy humping your leg. First, be grateful your husband’s still attracted to you. After eight years, I’m sure you’re not looking so hot. Oblige him. Afterwards, when he’s vulnerable, tell him that that’s the last time you’re ever making nasty with him, unless he starts attempting to make it more romantic. Let me know how it works. Dear Goddess on a Mountaintop, My family and I are planning to move to another place as soon as my six-year-old daughter finishes school this year. Our area is not safe and has lots of drugs. These guys asked me if I use pot and I told them no, but they kept bothering us. One of the guys has a cousin that lives in the apartment next to me and I had him tell the guy to leave us alone. Should I call the police? What can I do to make the situation better in the meantime? - Just Sayin’ No Dear Just Sayin’ No, No, no no. Do not call the police. Instead, take the free dope. Most times, drug dealers will give it to kids for free to get them hooked, so send your daughter his way. Then, you take the dope and sell it to some stupid white person. With that money, you can afford to move out sooner. Everyone wins -- problem solved! Dear Goddess on a Mountaintop, I am in a job I totally hate and I can't see my way out. Every freakin’ opportunity seems like a million miles away. On top of that, my boyfriend won't call me his girlfriend even though we have been dating for five months. AND, my sister is totally wacky. - Lost in NYC Dear Lost, First, realize you are in the land of opportunity, both career-wise and relationship-wise. Though you hate your job now, at least it’s paying the bills until the market picks up and you can find something you truly love. Patience is key here. As for your “boyfriend,” you have a few options. You’ve already realized something’s amiss – whether he’s simply a commitment-phobe, or he’s gay – treat him as you would your job. Is it a job you love? Or is it something to tide you over ‘til the “market” picks back up? Only you can decide. But if the stress of him not giving you want you want is weighing you down, I think you already know the answer. As for your sister, note that sisters are like old boyfriends: The more you think about them, the creepier you feel. So put that twit outta your mind once and for all. You’ve got bigger problems. Dear Goddess on a Mountaintop, How do I meet intelligent girls my age? Without coming off lesbo? Not that there’s anything wrong with that – I’m just not. - If I Only Had a Friend Dear Friend-Seeker, I can relate. It’s hard to meet girls once you’re out of school. It’s as hard as meeting guys. If you meet them in a bar, they might assume you’re trying to hit on them. Or, they might be alcoholics. And who really needs another drunk friend? Not you. If there are no cool chicks at your workplace, try taking a class. Whether it’s pottery, a book club, or kick-boxing, you’ll already have something in common by just being there. If that’s not an option, wear a ring on your finger so you appear married. Or, simply just be sure to mention a boyfriend at the beginning of a conversation. Dear Goddess on a Mountaintop, I have a dilema. I am a thirty-year-old single man who has recently moved out of my step-family’s home. The problem is, despite the fact that I no longer live at home, my family continues to depend on me for financial support. I recently co-signed a college loan for my step-sister and my uncle continues to drop by unannounced to borrow the key to the gym at my apartment complex. I don't want my uncle to borrow my key and I don't want him to work out at my gym. Am I being completely selfish? What can I do? I don't want to turn my family against me. How can I resolve this? - We are Family Dear Family Hater, Just kidding. Learning to say no is one of the hardest things people have to learn how to do. But once you do it, it gets easier and easier. It’s hard not to feel selfish asserting your independence to the people who have helped raise and house you for so many years. But you do need to set some boundaries. When your sister or uncle asks for these favors (which you are completely justified to not want to help with), simply tell them you’re unable to do it. If they ask why, gently let them know that you have things you have to and want to take care of on your own and that it would be better if they could ask someone else or take care of it on their own. Eventually they’ll understand not to ask for things they shouldn’t be asking for in the first place. Remember: People will only get away with as much as you let them get away with. You’re right to speak up now. *For all you "special" people out there who just don't get it, not to mention you ambulance-chasing "lawyers," this "advice column" is for "fun." If you should choose to follow this advice, that is your problem. There will be no litigation or anything of the like. I do, however, always accept credit and praise.

Who Doesn't Have Problems? Exactly.

Send your questions here -- anonymity guaranteed.

Read all about The VaVas and how they've found luck in love, work and life and how you, too, can get your mojo up to speed at www.vavamojos.com

Dear VaVas,

Do you think it is possible to have a meaningful relationship with someone who does not share the same political or religious views as you? I'm a democrat, he's a republican, he believes in God and I don't.

- Confused Polar Opposite

Dear Confused and PO'd,

Ever heard of Mary Matalin and James Carville? Maria and Arnold? They make it work! However, sharing basic values is important in building a meaningful relationship. Sometimes, we have to agree to disagree. Keep us posted. Meanwhile, we'll pray for you.

Dear VaVas,

I desperately need your help! Guy problems, of course. I've had on-and-off relationships and all the guys want to do is make out. I mean I don't mind, but it's constant! So the other day I'm walking down the street in a nice pink skirt and a cami and a guy comes and whistles at me and asks me for my phone number! What is going on here? I mean, I am flattered, but it's not my style. What do I do to make guys wanna go out with me for my personality and not my looks? By the way, I love your website!!

- Used & Confused

Dear Used & Confused,

The VaVas understand. Sounds like you've got your Vavamojo workin' overtime. One option you have is to stop wearing it, but we don't recommend it. Honey, remember you are the one in control -- you decide who, where, when, what and how much. Body language speaks loudly. A woman with a confident attitude goes a long way. A firm "NO" goes even further.

Dear VaVas,

I recently introduced my boyfriend to my niece who I love dearly (by the way, I'm only 2 years older than she is). We visited her at a club she manages. We enjoyed some conversation and introductions were made. When the owner of the club kissed my hand and said hello, my boyfriend got so upset that he left me there. It was very humiliating. He said that I should have never let another man kiss my hand. To him it was as bad as a kiss on the mouth. To me, it's a flattering gesture. I'm confused. I do not know how to take my boyfriend's behavior. Should I stay or should go?

- Perturbed & Pondering

Dear Perturbed & Pondering,

Hand-kissing 101, shall we? Did you first extend your hand, thus granting him permission? Was his buss below your knuckle or above? You see, love, this is the only way the gesture is welcomed and considered gallant. However, PP, this is not the problem at hand. Run, don't walk, don't even look back...been there, done that. Trust us.

Dear VaVas,

My husband of two and a half years recently got a great new job. The only problem with it is that it requires him to live almost four hours away. It has been a month since he has moved and although he comes home on his days off, I'm still quite lonely. We expect that it will be at least 6 months until he can request a transfer back home but nothing is guaranteed. Every day that passes by gets harder and harder and although I want to be supportive, it is really bumming me out. What should I do?? Should I do the unthinkable as a career woman and give up my fantastic job to move and be with him? Should I stay put and just find a hotty on the side to romance me during the week? Or should I pretend to suck it up, all the while falling into depression?

- Lonely in The Lone Star State

Dear Lonely,

Puhleeze! If this is your attitude, my dear, you'll soon be singing "All My Exes Live in Texas." You are a nincompoop! This is not the dress rehearsal. What about all the military spouses who are living in limbo with no guarantees?? At 20 years of age, my husband of three months left for a year in Vietnam. This month we celebrated our 35th anniversary. Lonely, you are stronger than you are giving yourself credit for. Stay the course.

Dear VaVas,

Is it smart to date someone prettier than you? What about somebody who is rude and crude and makes you sick, but is sexy as hell? Just asking...nobody in mind...

- Lusty in LA

Dear Lusty,

Smart??? Nope, just lucky. Sexy and rude??? Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Move on.

Dear VaVas,

My job is to interview celebrities all day. Problem is, all I hear is "blah, blah, blah" when they talk. What's the best way to appear interested when I'm SO not? Also, is it time to reflect inward when my biggest nemesis in life is Matthew Perry, who sensed my hatred so much at a Golden Globes party that he actually apologized to me? Is it even worse when nemesis #2 is Seth Green?

- Hatin' in Hollywood

Dear Hatin' in Ho-wood,

The VaVas believe you should never stay in a situation that does not bring you joy. Take your skill set and find another job. Your personal and professional success depends on it. As Jack Nicholson reminds us in Anger Management, just sing "I Feel Pretty." By the way, my 26-year-old is a journalism major and looking for a job. Do let us know when yours is available.

Dear Goddess,

I have a jealousy problem and I think that I am doing it to boycott my relationship. I don't like it when my boyfriend mentions his ex-girlfriend around me -- he almost never talks about her but when he does I try to twist things around and make it look like: "I told you were still in love with her," and it doesn't matter how many times my boyfriend tells me that he likes me or he has no feelings like those for her, I continue to be upset. Why can't I trust my boyfriend and be more confident in who I am and what I am about? Thank you for reading goddess, you are very patient.

- Green with envy and it's making me blue

Dear Green-Blue,

Let me make this plain and clear for you: If you continue acting this way, you're going to end up alone. And it's not because you're not good enough, it's because no one can tolerate someone accusing them of false things or beating them up all the time. Think about how awful and inadequate you're making your boyfriend feel, as if he's not doing enough to show his love. Luckily, it seems you recognize this is your problem and not his, and I cannot tell you why you feel irrationally jealous and destructive, but I can tell you to stop. The problem is, unless you make a real effort to work on it, this problem will follow you around and pop up in every relationship, until you wind up alone, all all alone. So focus on changing your perspective. You're in a relationship with what probably is a very loving and patient guy, you're healthy, and you probably have every opportunity in the world. Think about all those people in the world who have REAL problems, like where they're gonna get their next meal. Hopefully that'll make you appreciate all that you have, and you'll make every effort to hold on to it. Chin up.

Dear Goddess,

I ran into your website tonight, and I must say I am speechless! It's like I've run into a dream come true! I've recently started to design and make my own bags and accessories, and have always been interested in art. I was just wondering how you got started with all this! You seem to have a very successful and thriving business on your hands, with such awesome stuff! What would you suggest to a fellow designer that has no clue how to start a business such as this? I've started selling my 'stuff' to friends and family, but would love to expand my client base. How'd you get started? I'm already a great admirer of your work! I'll keep looking for new stuff! And the lonely guy...I'm totally right there with him with the whole internet dating thing, and not knowing where to go to find people my age to date...small world huh...

- Designer Chic

Dear Designer Chic,

Congrats on your creative endeavors and on your wonderful taste-- that's fabulous! And a huge thank you for your kind words and compliments. For that you get a hot pink star! As for how I got started, basically the same way as you, it sounds. And the same way many of us did. I started playing around with ideas and experimenting with fabrics, got great feedback from family and friends and thought why the heck not. I wish I had some kind of keen business secret to share but I don't. They're basic things that a lot of people just seem to ignore sometimes. Building your own site is the best, easiest (in the end) and cheapest thing you can do to display your work. It gives you instant exposure and allows you to start selling your goodies without being dependent on other shops to pick your items up. And it allows you to reach a worldwide audience. It's truly priceless. It's also great for testing the waters. You might thing something's a fab idea, but if no one's buying or interested, it's a good indicator that you might wanna rethink your idea.

Get the word out as much as possible. Tell everyone you know and that you don't know what you're up to -- don't be afraid to pimp yourself out (meaning don't be shy when it comes to talking about your work). At the same time, know that rejection will come as everyone has different tastes, but that that's just part of the game. Don't take it personally or get discouraged --simply let it fuel your fire. Move on and find your audience. Link up with as many sites as you can. Take classes to master your craft. Just enjoy it all!! Because it is, or will become, your life. Tell as many editors as you can about your work -- free press is invaluable. Attend craft and art markets. Definitely invest a little money in printing business cards so people know about you and will remember you. And as cheesy as it may sound, keep trying and always believe in yourself. You're the one with the vision and no one else may believe it or be able to see it until you bring it to fruition, so go out there and show 'em what you've got. Keep us updated on your progress -- we'd love to see your work!

Dear Goddess,

I have a problem. I'm 16 years old and have never had a date. I'm overweight and have tried losing for the last 10 years. All I want is to go to a school dance with a boy, or maybe FINALLY HAVE a boyfriend.

- Dateless and Depressed

Dear D&D,

This may sound trite, but it's something you need to hear and try to actually believe as soon as possible, as it will save you tons of time and years of anguish: Boys aren't worth it. The most important thing is to be happy with yourself, whether you choose to be 200 pounds or 100 pounds, everybody is different and that's what makes us unique. Your priority in life is to be a happy, healthy you -- nobody else's acceptance of you is going to matter until you accept yourself. That may sound cheesy, but it's 100% true. Trust me. And once you do, the funny thing is you'll realize that your soaring self-confidence will have people flocking to you. High school seems like the most important thing in the world right now, because it is your world, but in a few short years, it'll be over. And your perspective will become much different. You'll be in the so-called "real world" where people are much more mature than the people you have to see on an everyday basis now, and worrying about boys and weight will seem ridiculous to you, and you'll have regretted that you even sweated it. So, take my advice, and fugget about it. You rock! Keep in touch and let us know how you're doing. And if it's any consolation, the Goddess didn't really start dating until she was 17 or so, and she's HOT!

Dear Goddess,

This is the first time I've logged on to bussbuss.com and I really liked your section. OK, enough of that, this is my problem: I compare myself to other people, actually other women and I feel that they are prettier, happier and smarter than me. I mean I know that I have some good qualities but I just don't think I'm good enough. For example, my best friend is this really cute, cute, cute, petite girl who is always talking about all the men that pursue her. It is true, men DO pursue her and she is always talking about it. I think that I am a little envious of her because I'm 5'10" and she is 5'1" and for some reason I think that men do like petite girls more. So I feel like crap, because my height is something that I'll never be able to change no matter how pretty I am in the face. Or could these be mood swings? I just started the patch. OK, thank you Goddess for reading this and I'll appreciate any of your comments.

- Not Good Enough

Dear Not Good Enough,

The problem is not your height, rather it is your insaneness. Do you know how many girls would kill to be 5'10"? About all the ones who are 5'9" and under! The grass truly is always greener on the other side. As far as comparing yourself in physical ways, you are probably the only one out of all your friends who qualifies to be a supermodel -- take pleasure in that! Take pleasure that when you walk into a room, you are probably ogled and envied by many. Walk tall with pride! Now for what's on the inside: feeling not smart enough or not happy enough is all within your control, unlike your height. Are you a nice person? Do you make an effort to be kind to others? To be kind to yourself? Allow yourself to explore hobbies and interests. Go out and volunteer and help others. You'll realize how trivial your "problem" really is. I truly hope your doldrums are just mood swings and Patch-induced, because then these feelings will be fleeting, as they should be. We all go through periods when we feel less than our best, but comparing yourself to others is a no-win situation. Evaluate yourself on your own merits, be happy with the things you've accomplished and the progress you've made over your lifetime so far. Because until you love and appreciate yourself, it's a sure bet no one else will. And may I recommend Yasmin?

Dear Goddess,

I broke up with a long-term girlfriend not that long ago, but am finding it very hard to meet someone new. Part of it is that at our age, there's no built-in social network if you're no longer at college. But also, I'm sometimes painfully shy, which is really difficult if you're a guy. Online dating helps, but there are some weird people on there, and I can never think of anything to say in my first e-mail to someone. Any tips for finding Ms. Right given all these factors?

- Sadly in Solitude

Dear Sadly in Solitude,

You don't know how many times I've seen this question. And you're absolutely right about the lack of a built-in social network -- it's something we're never taught in school -- how to meet people once you're not constantly surrounded by people your own age on a daily basis. You've already recognized that it would be helpful to have a social network of some sort, which is why I highly recommend building one of your own. Get up off the couch and get involved with any sports, hobbies, charities and activities of the like that you can think of.

You'll be doing something you like and chances are you'll at least meet new friends this way. Friends who have friends...perhaps really cute single ones. In many ways, dating really is a numbers game, well unless you believe in fate, in which case there's no need to sit around lonely waiting for your soul mate to arrive on your doorstep since you're destined to meet her anyway, so be as active as possible in the meantime. The great thing about taking a class, joining a team, or getting involved with a charity or professional organization is that you're generally put in a fun, natural environment. I'm not at all against dating online, but how could your first date not be awkward? At least this way, you'll get a chance to see how a person acts before you ask them out! And even if you don't meet people of a romantic nature, you'll be developing a hobby or skill, networking, contributing to society -- self-improvement's always a plus, a very attractive plus.

Some things to consider: If you're into media, go to mediabistro.com or ed2010's cocktail parties. If you're into the outdoors, join a hiking group. If you're into art, take some painting classes. If you're looking for something specifically centered around meeting people, where other attendees know this is the goal, check out the following:

8 Minute Dating

Hurry Date

Eight at Eight

And never underestimate the power of friendster.

Just remember to relax and have fun. Good luck and let us know how it goes!

Dear Ever-Knowing Goddess,

Okay, so about a month ago I moved into a new apartment. Everything about it at first glance seemed to be great. The price, the laid-back albeit crazily clean roommate, the loft bed built in to create more space, the proximity to public transportation, and again, the price- because it was that good. Now that I'm living there though, things are a bit strange. The roommate is the principle problem. There are others, but they would be tolerable if the roommate wasn't so awkward.

My roommate is a guy and he's never lived with a girl, so I guess that was why he would come into my room to drop off mail. I told him to not do that please and he wigged a little. Well, I guess he wigged more than a little. He wigged significantly enough to ask his girlfriend about it. His girlfriend totally set him straight. So that serious problem got fixed. But certain boundary issues remain. For example, him coming over to my room at 12:30 at night (I'm still awake- but working on the computer) and yakking to me about this movie he saw and yadda yadda about the world. (At 12:30 in the morning, when I'm BUSY.) Another example is talking about literally everything under the sun when I've got one foot in the bathroom cuz I have to take a poo. Whatever, other issues include that I'm a subleasee and therefore don't really feel like the place is very much mine. I mean I'm sure I can sit on the couch, have friends over, eat at the kitchen table, but it's awkward. Especially so if he's home and yakking to me. I mostly try to stay in my bedroom with the loft bed and sit on the bean bag chair and do whatever whenever.

Right, so, the place isn't half mine, we don't exactly click yet as roomies, and I essentially feel like I'm in a dorm room because the décor is blech, and I don't feel it in my power to change that. Uh, and he has this weird thing where he wants me to announce all friends at all times- regardless the length of their stay and location, i.e. 15 minutes in my bedroom. (jigga why?)

And now, another situation looms on the horizon- fast approaching. My friend from college has now decided to give New York the ol' post graduate try. She will be looking for a place and a job in September. That's less than a month away. And so when she wrote me, I was so excited that a friend of mine would be moving here, that I hastily wrote to her asking her if she was looking for a roommate. I was just so excited. We haven't been roommates before, but having been her friend, I feel confident that a roommate situation would serve us perfectly. We can communicate without it being awkward, we could design together (an exciting prospect given the fact that the current interior design and decoration is both yick and unchangeable). And she's a good buddy and I've had the opportunity to meet past roommates and situations and they are all just so dreamy!

However, as of yet (the next day) I haven't heard from her. So the actual problem hasn't arisen, but it's there, and perhaps I should pre-empt the problem with a solution before I'm racking my brain in the middle of a sticky sitch. Should I dive headlong into a new situation with a good friend, unsure of what we may find and how much it will cost just because I have a personality problem with my current and very new roommate? Will my current roommate be pissed at me if I end up telling him I want to move out, and soon? Should I care? When he interviewed me to move in he said that he wanted someone would stay for at least a month or two...Should I stick out the new sitch, and hope that over time we will come to an understanding of each other, despite our lack of clickage? I don't want to move a whole lot more and I would hope that moving in with my friend would feel semi-permanent. Obviously, I don't have to make this decision TODAY, but it may come up very soon, and I would love to find out what the Goddess would say.

-Unsettled

Dear Unsettled,

You are on the right track in that you are at least questioning what your options are instead of assuming and making rash judgments. It's definitely possible to try to improve your current situation -- however awkward it may be. At least your roommate cared enough to mention your feelings to his girlfriend and then he corrected his mistakes. So if you do end up staying in your current digs, at least the guy seems malleable. You just have to be careful not to bottle things up and be sure to bring up your feelings maturely and calmly. But that all sounds a little boring, doesn't it?

Since you are a sublessee, who didn't even sign a lease, you are under no legal obligation to stay for any amount of time. You said that during his "interview" process pre-move-in that he desired someone who would stay for a month or two -- you'll far exceed his expectations by being there for a full three months (way to go supersta!). If he were to not like you and told you to move out, you'd have no choice but to get the hell out of dodge (where is dodge anyway?). You would only hope that he'd give you politely long enough notice to find a new home. So be sure to do the same for him. Once you are 100% positive that you will be moving out, and keep in mind that there are always problems associated with living with friends too, give him a month's notice so he will have enough time to replace you. Hopefully (and he has no just reason to) he won't get mad and kick you out before you've found a new place. It wouldn't be financially viable on his part to do so, so the chances are slim. But since life is full of uncertainties, perhaps he finds the perfect new roommate who has to move in two weeks before you're ready to move out, be prepared to have a temporary place to stay in between -- just in case.

I hope whatever option you decide is best for you, your happiness, and your pocketbook, that you have a fun and happy home. Go forth nomad and multiply!

Dear Goddess on a Mountaintop,

I have this friend who I chat with everyday, all day. She and I go through our daily moods on AOL Instant Messenger. I like having a pal with whom I can share my thoughts as they happen... like when someone says something rude, I can tell her right away instead of holding it in and taking it out on the house pet. Here's the problem: we both go through these tremendous mood swings -- typically her getting upset, sometimes crying, and me getting angry. Often I get so mad I just end up getting mad at her and sarcasm comes out. I know this isn't the greatest way to deal with being upset, but at least I've moved past violence.

Anyway... this friend is always asking me out on the weekdays for drinks, or on the weekends. This is the problem. I feel like we already talk about so much while on instant messenger, why do we need to actually see each other and talk about nothing because we've covered everything that has happened between yesterday at 5:00 and today at 5:00. What else is there to talk about? We've seen each other after work, but it's awkward -- we don't say anything, and most of the time I'm sensitive to what has gone on over IM during the course of the day and I'm cautious to avoid topics that have been problem areas during work hours.

Anyway, the question is how do I go about dealing with this? I've tried simply not signing on to IM for a good portion of the day, but I get bored and end up signing on, only to have her stalkerize me by asking me what took me so long to sign on. I end up making up an excuse... yadda yadda. My current solution, albeit a necessarily temporary one, is to simply avoid outside contact with her. She annoys me and I don't have to have her take up my time to annoy me -- this is obviously alienating her. And the "annoyment" may simply be symptomatic of spending too much e-time with her. Help me here, I would like to maintain a friendship, but it's getting more and more taxing to IM all day, then dodge her invites after work.

Thanks so much. You really do know everything, right?

- ODed on IM

Dear ODed on IM,

Been there, done that (or still doing that I should say). Emailing and Iming can be such a convenience and luxury, but it can also be a total time waster as well. When you're online Iming all day, that's just another form of socializing and constantly communicating with someone, which can be totally taxing on your brain. Everyone needs a break, some alone time -- time to get stuff done or just unwind. I could suggest the most mature and direct approach of telling your friend your problem, but that would most likely only hurt her delicate feelings and accomplish nothing. Make both of your lives easier by creating a secret screen name. I know people who have them, and am about to get one for myself, and it really is a great solution. You can still be online when you want, but you can talk to who you want to talk to when you want to talk to them. And when your friend asks why you haven't been logging on, simply say that you were busy and needed to get stuff done. Then seeing her in your off-time should be fun again. Problem e-solved.

Dear Goddess on a Mountaintop,

Can lovemaking ever go on too long? Sometimes I don't think my girlfriend appreciates my knack for extended nocturnal nastiness.

- Chafed in California

Dear Chafed in California,

Hurry up, buddy! Your girlfriend's tired and wants to go to sleep, or she's bored and wants to watch the rest of Letterman, already. It's not always quantity as much as quality, so maybe spice it up instead of elongating it, so to speak. Or here's a novel idea, talk to her about it -- I'm sure the two of you can come to a conclusion that is mutually beneficial.

Dear Goddess on a Mountaintop,

If masturbating is wrong, why did God give me thumbs?

- Kwyjibo

Dear Kwyjibo,

If I had a dime for every time someone's asked me that one...I'd have a nickel. While thumbs have many more uses than the one you've brought up, a little stroke and choke continues to rank as a favorite with evolved species over the world, according to the World Forum on Alternative Uses for Opposable Thumbs. So keep thumbin' along on, I say, keep thumbin' along!

Dear Goddess on a Mountaintop,

Is it alright, when necessary, for me to let it rip in front of my husband? He has no inhibitions when it comes to passing gas in front of me. Isn't it only fair that I have the same freedom to express?

- Ready to Blow

Dear Ready to Blow,

An eye for an eye I say! But beware: Couples have a tendency to get really comfortable with one another. In some ways, this is great, in other ways, it kind of...stinks. Before letting 'em fly, tell your husband that it really turns you off, and that it reminds you of your dad. If he doesn't respond to this overtly unsubtle hint, then I say teach him a long, hard lesson. Chances are he won't like it, and he'll make more of an effort to keep his cheeks in check, and if not, well at least you won't have a tummy ache. Also, one word, two syllables: Beano. Good luck!

Dear Gorgeous Goddess,

I am enjoying your website immensely, but I have a huge problem -- I've just turned 29! Which means I have only one year left until I'm obsolete and unable to enjoy your site any longer! Should I stop having birthdays and start celebrating yearly anniversaries of my 29th birthday? Should I turn twenty-ten next year? While I AM looking forward to my thirties since my life will become just like "Sex in the City" and I'll have all these fabulous friends in New York and date tons of hot guys and buy shoes, shoes shoes...I just can't bear not being part of your twentysomething community any more!

What, oh what should I do, dear Goddess?

- On the Edge

Dear On the Edge

This is a question I've been struggling with recently myself. What happens when I turn 30? Will my life be over like I thought it would be when I was younger? Will anyone accept me for the old hag that I am? And what about my twentysomething friends who are 29 now -- will I stop being friends with them, until I, too, turn 30, and can start a website for thirtysomethings? After some deep soul-searching and Dunkin Donuts-munching, the answer came to me. LA Denial! No one in LA tells their real age. And anybody who's anybody adheres to LA standards. So why should you or I feel the need to tell the truth? When you turn twenty-ten, again and again, year after year, celebrate this most important occasion with a little liquor, a handful of friends, and a whole lotta Botox. And remember, you're only as young as you pretend to be, so keep up those injections and deceptions and, as always, Keep Kissin' It One Day at a Time. (Note: Advice subject to change when Goddess on a Mountaintop actually turns 30 and decides 30 is the new 20.)

Dear Goddess on a Mountaintop,

I have a rubber ducky fetish and I'm looking for a partner. I found this one girl who liked rubber duckies too, but it turned out she was nuts. How can I find a normal girl who's into rubber duckies?

- Nuts for Ducks

Dear Nuts,

I'm not sure all fetishes are meant to be shared. I mean, it's like they're your own special little secrets, so why waste them on someone else, who most likely will only look down her beak at you? In fact, I'd recommend never sharing in general. I find it utterly annoying. But, if you feel truly ready to share, and all your ducks are in a row, so to speak, then perhaps you could ask for the mailing lists of the following sites:

www.SexToyFetish.com
www.Tickles.com

Surely, you can find a chick who shares your interests. If not, perhaps this sharing thing isn't all it's quacked up to be? Let us know how it goes.

Dear Goddess on a Mountaintop,

I have a four-pound male Yorkie for a pet that gets very excited every time company comes over. He especially gets excited when children or other dogs come over for a visit. Due to his excited state, my Yorkie has earned the nickname "Red Rocket.” I think you get my drift. This is embarrassing to say the least. Once Red Rocket launches, it can stay in a "ready" state for several hours. Red Rocket is 12 years old. Once Red Rocket got stuck and had to go to the vet. When we called the vet to get an appointment, the receptionist wanted to know what was wrong. We told her it looked like our dog was on Viagra! Is this a common problem for dogs? Is our dog a pervert? Or does our dog need some booty? Please help.

- Rocket Launcher

Dear Rocket Launcher,

It sounds to me like the little guy needs some bitch booty -- fast. It also seems that you didn’t heed the sage advice of Bob Barker of getting your pet spayed or neutered. When you don’t help your dog to help himself, is it really such a surprise that an embarrassing problem like this might, uh umm, arise? Just think how Red Rocket must feel. My advice to you is to put yourself in his paws. As your dog is in his golden years, why not treat him to a visit to the local cathouse -- more than just feline frolicking is offered, if you catch my drift. This way, everyone’s "happy."

Dear Goddess on a Mountaintop,

How do I get my husband of eight years to be romantic rather than just wanting to jump on?

- Can’t Get No Satisfaction

Dear No Satisfaction,

I’d suggest you tell him, but I assume he’s too busy humping your leg. First, be grateful your husband’s still attracted to you. After eight years, I’m sure you’re not looking so hot. Oblige him. Afterwards, when he’s vulnerable, tell him that that’s the last time you’re ever making nasty with him, unless he starts attempting to make it more romantic. Let me know how it works.

Dear Goddess on a Mountaintop,

My family and I are planning to move to another place as soon as my six-year-old daughter finishes school this year. Our area is not safe and has lots of drugs. These guys asked me if I use pot and I told them no, but they kept bothering us. One of the guys has a cousin that lives in the apartment next to me and I had him tell the guy to leave us alone. Should I call the police? What can I do to make the situation better in the meantime?

- Just Sayin’ No

Dear Just Sayin’ No,

No, no no. Do not call the police. Instead, take the free dope. Most times, drug dealers will give it to kids for free to get them hooked, so send your daughter his way. Then, you take the dope and sell it to some stupid white person. With that money, you can afford to move out sooner. Everyone wins -- problem solved!

Dear Goddess on a Mountaintop,

I am in a job I totally hate and I can't see my way out. Every freakin’ opportunity seems like a million miles away. On top of that, my boyfriend won't call me his girlfriend even though we have been dating for five months. AND, my sister is totally wacky.

- Lost in NYC

Dear Lost,

First, realize you are in the land of opportunity, both career-wise and relationship-wise. Though you hate your job now, at least it’s paying the bills until the market picks up and you can find something you truly love. Patience is key here. As for your “boyfriend,” you have a few options. You’ve already realized something’s amiss – whether he’s simply a commitment-phobe, or he’s gay – treat him as you would your job. Is it a job you love? Or is it something to tide you over ‘til the “market” picks back up? Only you can decide. But if the stress of him not giving you want you want is weighing you down, I think you already know the answer. As for your sister, note that sisters are like old boyfriends: The more you think about them, the creepier you feel. So put that twit outta your mind once and for all. You’ve got bigger problems.

Dear Goddess on a Mountaintop,

How do I meet intelligent girls my age? Without coming off lesbo? Not that there’s anything wrong with that – I’m just not.

- If I Only Had a Friend

Dear Friend-Seeker,

I can relate. It’s hard to meet girls once you’re out of school. It’s as hard as meeting guys. If you meet them in a bar, they might assume you’re trying to hit on them. Or, they might be alcoholics. And who really needs another drunk friend? Not you. If there are no cool chicks at your workplace, try taking a class. Whether it’s pottery, a book club, or kick-boxing, you’ll already have something in common by just being there. If that’s not an option, wear a ring on your finger so you appear married. Or, simply just be sure to mention a boyfriend at the beginning of a conversation.

Dear Goddess on a Mountaintop,

I have a dilema. I am a thirty-year-old single man who has recently moved out of my step-family’s home. The problem is, despite the fact that I no longer live at home, my family continues to depend on me for financial support. I recently co-signed a college loan for my step-sister and my uncle continues to drop by unannounced to borrow the key to the gym at my apartment complex. I don't want my uncle to borrow my key and I don't want him to work out at my gym. Am I being completely selfish? What can I do? I don't want to turn my family against me. How can I resolve this?

- We are Family

Dear Family Hater,

Just kidding. Learning to say no is one of the hardest things people have to learn how to do. But once you do it, it gets easier and easier. It’s hard not to feel selfish asserting your independence to the people who have helped raise and house you for so many years. But you do need to set some boundaries. When your sister or uncle asks for these favors (which you are completely justified to not want to help with), simply tell them you’re unable to do it. If they ask why, gently let them know that you have things you have to and want to take care of on your own and that it would be better if they could ask someone else or take care of it on their own. Eventually they’ll understand not to ask for things they shouldn’t be asking for in the first place. Remember: People will only get away with as much as you let them get away with. You’re right to speak up now.

*For all you "special" people out there who just don't get it, not to mention you ambulance-chasing "lawyers," this "advice column" is for "fun." If you should choose to follow this advice, that is your problem. There will be no litigation or anything of the like. I do, however, always accept credit and praise.