Horoscopes With a Twist for Minds That Are Twisted by: kelly and mary

April 2003

Aries
March 21 to April 19

Go Aries! It's your birthday! Go Aries! It's your birthday! You know, I hesitate to give you any advice at all because even if I told you that you are a pretentious arse, you could just turn to me and say, "Oh yeah, well it's my birthday!” and you would win. So have fun! Just know that I will be waiting for your time in Taurus when everything will not be going your way..and I will laugh and laugh!

Taurus
April 20 to May 20

Things seem to be getting just a little better for you lately. Watch it on the binging there, buddy. You don't want to go back from where you came. Move on, move on. Time to get yourself a cardio workout -- good for the mind. Uh...and you might want to think about the benefit to your...ahem, "bod."

Gemini
May 21 to June 20

"Go this way, no wait! No, no go that way...yeah, that way. That was right. Umm… this doesn't look right.” This is you normally. And as a general rule it really bugs people that you change your mind so much. But now? Now people like your flexibility. Don’t ask me why...they just do. Just hope you can help them remember this time when, in the future, people scream at you for not being consistent.

Cancer
June 21 to July 22

It would be best to keep things low key this month. You don't want to ruffle any feathers. Things are going well for others and you are still having a rough time. Keep your Trapperkeeper shut when your more fortunate friends are around. They really don't want to hear how hard your life is. They wanna have fun.

Leo
July 23 to Aug. 22

It's been a rough go lately, but you've persisted in holding your arrogant head up high. After the storm comes the...dawn? What I mean is that things hopefully can't get much worse so take solace in that. If depression starts to set in as you think about your horrible life lately, go shopping. It works and it's much more fun than wallowing!

Virgo
Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

This month is all about you losing. You will lose over and over and over. I'd like to be positive about how big a loser you will be...but what can I say? I really think it will suck, sorry about that. Um, blah blah blah better person blah.

Libra
Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Life is good now that the new 'Bachelor' has returned to your TV lineup. Who needs to keep up on current events or anything like say...the war, anyway? Not you! That stuff is booring. Just make sure you're not watching alone on Wednesday nights. Why not invite over some friends and to share in the 'festivities' – it'll be good for you...and for them.

Scorpio
Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Ahhh, spring break...the world was your oyster, wasn't it? Well playtime's over pal, and it's time to focus focus focus. On what? Anything but yourself for a change! When's the last time you called your mom just to chat? Or your best friend for that matter? Pick up the phone!!! People need to know you need them, too.

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

You're cute enough, smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like you! But do you like people? Probably not -- they're annoying, self-loathing and beneath you. But what are you gonna do? Use your popularity for good, not evil, this month by networking and getting the word out that you're ready for a change. You are ready for a change aren't you? Trust me, you are. And in the meantime, a little R&R couldn't hurt -- a short vacay will do you a world of good, even if it's just unplugging the phones for the weekend and dancing in your living room.

Capricorn
Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Hopefully you took our advice last month and attempted to spice things up a bit. If not, what are you waiting for? If so, way to be, G! The key now is to not get lazy. You've got to cultivate your newfound interest or friendship with lots of TLC. Remember: work begets work, love begets love, donuts beget fat cells -- so lay off, tubby!

Aquarius
Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Your highs and lows are more dramatic than 'Days of Our Lives!' Why not try to mellow out a tad this month? Chill by the pool, throw a low-key dinner partay, get to work -- and leave work -- on time...sometimes a routine is just the thing you need. Sounds boring, I know, but believe me when I say it's time to turn down the volume.

Pisces
Feb. 19 to March 20

You are going to have a tough time this month. Too bad for you. Just eat it, okay? Cuz we all go through it -- try not to annoy anyone while you are complaining about how horrible life is treating you. Try this: silent complain -- it's when you shut the hell up.

Looking for last month's horoscopes? Here they are!