Horoscopes With a Twist for Minds That Are Twisted by: kelly and mary

August 2003

Celebrity Leos: J.Lo, Matthew Broderick, Bill Clinton, Alfred Hitchcock, Zelda Fitzgerald, Jacqueline Kennedy, Christian Slater, Andy Warhol, Lucille Ball, Dustin Hoffman, Napoleon, Robert De Niro, Davey Crockett, Robert Redford, Patrick Swayze, Cocoa Chanel, Kenny Rogers

Leo
July 23 to Aug. 22

This month will be filled with travel and new opportunities in the workplace. Perhaps a promotion, raise or an all-together new gig. Just keep in mind that doesn't give you the right to slack off. Not that you would ever even consider it. Work hard. Play hard. Just don't forget the Nytol. Happy Birthday.

Virgo
Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

If you think hard enough, you might find that $20 bill you left in those pants. Not if you don't actually clean your own clothes though. Your mom is still doing your laundry? Your mom has the right to anything she finds in your pockets -- including any controlled substances. So check please?

Libra
Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Libra, Libra, Libra, what can I say? You've been dealing with so much inner turmoil lately you would literally explode if you came anywhere within 50 feet of a match. Now that you've made that hard but necessary life-changing decision, try not to doubt yourself about it. You know you've done the right thing, even if it makes you feel nauseous right now. The sun will shine again, and this time you won't get burnt.

Scorpio
Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Remember when your buddy loaned you that money? Now, remember how you never paid him back? You suck. Make amends in the karma-verse by giving your time to a cause this month. It is here you will meet someone highly influential, which in turn will make autumn all the merrier.

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

That big change you had been contemplating? Well you made it, now didn't you. And everything's coming up daffodils. Way to go. Hope this lesson has taught you to follow your thumpin' heart. Just don't forget to stop and smell the…daffodils every now and again. Oh, and pollination? It's for the birds.

Capricorn
Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Your negativity and skepticism just might pay off this month, as you'll avoid major financial disaster. Way to be party pooper! A younger person will look to you for guidance - do your best to actually pretend you care. It'll pay off for you in the long run.

Aquarius
Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

You're in lurve! And this time it isn't with yourself. Doesn't it feel great? Is it a summer fling? Is it meant to be? Who cares! Don't analyze, just enjoy. As long as your Yin and Yang are yinin' and yangin' all is good in the House of Commons. Don't forget to call your mum.

Pisces
Feb. 19 to March 20

You gotta work out. For so many reasons. Not the least being your out-of-control body shape. I realize the water that you wade lifts some weight off of your bones and makes you feel 50 pounds lighter, but not everyone wants to see an overweight tub of whale in their way. Get out!

Aries
March 21 to April 19

Your attitude matters most this month as your energy levels soar. Despite any problems you may be facing, your stark refusal to pay any mind will keep you in the gutter, staring out the prison window at a solitary cloud shaped like an aloe plant. Think on this.

Taurus
April 20 to May 20

Okay, I realize you have had your share of adversity this year. But blaming everyone in the bar for your past problems only embarrasses your friends and offends complete strangers. You can't break the cycle if you keep pointing your very, very dirty nasty fingers. Seriously dude! Ever heard of nail clippers? Work it out.

Gemini
May 21 to June 20

You are an education fool! Go on learnin' and burnin', my friend!
Don't gloat
just bloat- your mind
with the kind- of info that keeps you afloat
and out of the bind.

Cancer
June 21 to July 22

Don't go promising anything you can't actually hand out. There's no reason to disappoint when your goods aren't all that great and then you don't even deliver. Just say "sorry." They prolly won't be all that hurt anyway, no one likes your pastry anyway.

Look Into Your Past!
July Horoscopes
June Horoscopes
May Horoscopes
April Horoscopes
March Horoscopes