Horoscopes With a Twist for Minds That Are Twisted by: kelly and mary

December 2003

Celebrity Sags: The AstroTwins!, Britney Spears, Brad Pitt, Woody Allen, Kiefer Sutherland, Steven Spielberg, Tina Turner, Walt Disney, Billy Idol

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

If it seems like some of us are picking on you and causing you to question your abilities. Please stop and think: How much can you possibly care when you are as busy as Santa on Christmas Eve? You are working hard and it shows. Those that would tell you to change only want you around more often because you are so incredibly appealing both to the eye and the tummy. Happy Birthday!

Capricorn
Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Good thing you stocked up on good karma a while back, this month has you cashing those charitable rewards. Rock on! And remember, there's a fine line between patting yourself on the back and bragging to the point of annoyance. Keep that in mind before you start trying to get everyone on the gravy train to nirvana.

Aquarius
Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

That little project you started a while back, let's talk about it. Doesn't an astrologer get like, what, 10% of the earnings if we encouraged you to follow your dreams? No? Fine, be that way, but again, I'm gonna tell you: GO! GO! GO! It's time to "wiiiiiiin, in the end!" (- credits to Teen Wolf's triumph segment).

Pisces
Feb. 19 to March 20

Your exuberance this month is making others take notice. They want what you're smoking -- I speak figuratively of course. Let this spirit carry you into the New Year, at which time you'll be back to your humdrum mindset, forced to drink in the middle of a field, alone. All, all alone. Cheers!

Aries
March 21 to April 19

Hi, hi, hi! In December, the secret to success is breathing. Avoiding those toxic types especially around the holidays is key. If you can't keep out of physical space, make sure you are keeping emotional and mental distance. It's not worth the rift this year. What's better is to grab yourself some non-alcoholic eggnog/ hot chocolate and sniff in as you sit over it waiting for it to cool...like your hot, hot temper.

Taurus
April 20 to May 20

Family turmoil will greet you early in the month, but by the time Santa rolls into town, everything will have smoothed over. Look forward to ODing on eggnog, sugar, presents and Tryptophan, as well as taking on a new lover on Tuesdays -- never mind that it's your cousin, you're not having any babies anytime soon. Happy Holidays.

Gemini
May 21 to June 20

Life's giving you a bum deal, but a new hand will be dealt before you jump off that cliff. Just make sure you know when to hold 'em. It's imperative to play into others' egos this month, making them think they have the upper hand, when in reality, you're holding the full house, aces high.

Cancer
June 21 to July 22

Well aren't you a chipper young thing? Prancing around all in love with yourself. Well, that's fine. Someone should be in love with you, and since no one else is, you might as well do the job. Keep up the good work.

Leo
July 23 to Aug. 22

With Christmas on the brain, you've got two things running through your head: What to give, and what you're gonna get. Normally, you're surprisingly selfless when it comes to giving, but this year, deep down, all you can think about is what you're gonna get out of it. Will you get as much as you're giving? Will you come out on top? Knock it off! You know if you keep obsessing, you'll end up the karmic loser, so get out there and give to the truly needy, or at least shut down that damn Excel spreadsheet.

Virgo
Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Give yourself an early gift this month: hire a maid. You've got enough on your plate, not to have to worry about keeping everything tidy and in its place, as you do every other month of the year. It's worth the splurge, cheapskate.

Libra
Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Like the balance scales that are your astrological symbols, your mood will be teetering to and fro. Make sure you go out when the scales are tipped in your favor, and take a nice long bath to wash away your toils. Sometimes those toils are quite stinky, and you should probably take care to fragrance the bathroom when you scrub.

Scorpio
Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Now is the best time to cultivate your newer friendships. Those people you most recently met whose company you enjoyed and whose companionship is most like a small morsel of semi-sweet chocolate. You can keep your older friendships, however, these new ones can help you gain the kind of perspective you can't achieve when all you do is complain about that one girlfriend.

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