Horoscopes With a Twist for Minds That Are Twisted by: kelly and mary

February 2004

Celebrity Aquarians: John Travolta, Yoko Ono, James Dean, Jack Lemmon, Charles Dickens, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Babe Ruth, Ronald Reagan, James Joyce, Oprah Winfrey, Ellen DeGeneres, Humphrey Bogart, Fellini, David Lynch

Aquarius
Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

What is it about birthdays that make you ponder the meaning of life? Ponder that, because, honay honay, it's Valentine's month too, and potential luvas don't wanna hear anything of substance coming from you. First of all, they're not used to you having much substance -- can you really blame them? And secondly, why bore yourself when you can have your cake and eat it too? Happy Birthday and may love be in an elevator this Valentine's Day.

Pisces
Feb. 19 to March 20

You've been hanging with the low profile recently. Ducking behind corners, lingering in shadowy spots -- you've kept the limelight where it belongs: elsewhere. But just because you are predisposed to swimming in the deep, doesn't mean you don't have a warm fuzzy interior. This month you need only expose the fuzzy interior to those who can appreciate and protect your underbelly. Make your Vally's Day all about the warms -- like a hot cocoa by the fire during a blizzard, your company keeps us warm.

Aries
March 21 to April 19

You're cute. And funny. And those of you who have been around long enough to see the power of holding on to the night know that the more you hang, the more you love. That's the key to this red, white and pink month. Hanging on, and putting the energy into those who have hung in there for you like a kitty on a rope. After all, they're kinda cute and kinda funny, too.

Taurus
April 20 to May 20

Instead of making that dark corner of the room your new bf, why not make like Alyssa Milano and date as many people as humanly possible in the shortest amount of time? This way, when you're old and alone, you'll at least have some great stories to tell your illegitimate grandchildren. Happy Valentine's.

Gemini
May 21 to June 20

You've been avoiding the obvious for obvious reasons -- you're in denial. Why not appease Cupid this month, and tell your sugar booga what's been bothering you? Getting it off your chest will allow more room for diamonds, pearls and hella hella bling. Ya copy?

Cancer
June 21 to July 22

Pouting? You? Never! Right? Well, if it's an occasional pout, we'll let it slide. But heed my warning here and now: Pouting never works. On an emotional-cathartic-I-hate-you-and-your-little-dog-too level, it's been so-so at best. Mostly, pouting just makes you seem infantile. Make sure you lighten your mood when you head down furrow-my-brow territory. Your sweetie will thank you for it. Pass the thanks on to us (we're thinking chocolate, square or heart-shaped).

Leo
July 23 to Aug. 22

You're biggest trauma this Vday is who to spend it with. I mean you have your real significant other, but what about your flaming crush on the side that you keep in your back pocket for emergencies? They both need love, now don't they? Just be sure that when you divide (your time) and conquer, that you don't sprain any body parts. Good luck.

Virgo
Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

There's someone in your life who is your Seth (um, hello, from The O.C.? Duh.). Why are resisting their charms? For fear of what others may think? Weenie. Trust me, no one thinks you're anything special, so you might as well go after what you want. Besides, no one else cares, so you might as well just go for it. Just remember to shave -- we'll all be grateful for that.

Libra
Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Careful of your past in February, Libra. It's never good to head down bad-memory lane in a real-time format. The only reason to have those bad memories is to spot the hullabaloo from a mile away. I think you are headed for a test here -- will you spot the sod before it nabs you? I'm sure you will. And then you'll head to the crazy horny fortune cookie toad for a taste of what you've been missing (in bed) on the 14th.

Scorpio
Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Buy some toilet paper. That's to you guys who do not buy toilet paper and think that everyone will buy toilet paper for you. And if you did happen to buy toilet paper this month, think about the metaphorical toilet paper. The things you expect to happen just because you are you and because you deserve it. Take some responsibility for your own butt here. Thanks and
Love,
Your Butt.
p.s. Happy Valentine's Day- your butt loves you and soft toilet tissue.

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Energy is pumping through your veins faster than Botox into your imagined wrinkles. Harness it for good, not evil, by making something special for your lovie dovie this Valentine's season. Whether you opt to give handpicked flowers, homemade heart-shaped cookies, or gonorrhea, know that your gesture will not go unnoticed.

Capricorn
Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

For you especially, Capricorn, it's makin' love time. Or at the very least, makin' flirt time. Unlike other signs this month, your horizons truly are rosy. Romance is brimming around every corner for you in February, so congratulations on the love during the love month. Just don't forget to get plenty of rest when you can manage. We wouldn't want to see you get tired from all the lovin', or would we?

Look Into Your Past!
January 2004 Horoscopes
December 2003 Horoscopes
November 2003 Horoscopes
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