Horoscopes With a Twist for Minds That Are Twisted by: kelly and mary

January 2004

Celebrity Capricorns: J. D. Salinger, Ava Gardner, Howard Hughes, Annie Lennox, Denzel Washington, Tracy Ullman, Elizabeth Arden, Henri Matisse, Anthony Hopkins, Val Kilmer, Victor Borge, Mel Gibson, Elvis Presley, Rod Stewart, Joan of Arc, Cary Grant, Edgar Allen Poe, Dolly Parton

Capricorn
Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Happy Birthday! And Happy New Year! This is pretty much clean slate time. Which is good for you since 2003 was a botch. It's cool. But try to keep the slate neat this month. Better that you leave January with a feeling of repeating it 11 times than calling "do-over" all year. Don't give up, you CAN make it to the end of the month without having a major meltdown. Just try it, pleeeeeease?

Aquarius
Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

As the New Year kicks off, you'll find yourself questioning all of your relationships. Who do you really want in your life? Who's really worth your precious time? All important questions to ponder as you finally start to grow up. Just make sure you're giving people fair chances and not evaluating them solely on what you can gain from them, J.Lo.

Pisces
Feb. 19 to March 20

Things aren't always as they seem. Your best opportunity, ironically enough, isn't to go swimming in the deep blue sea in the dead winter with sharks. Somehow your go-with-the-flow nature won't help you out once you've gotten in the water. Are you following me? No? Exactly. That's what I thought. This is precisely why you should lay low and keep your head and your heart in a pillow until later when they can be pulled out and stomped on.

Aries
March 21 to April 19

It's now time to get your just desserts. And by just desserts I mean just. That's all you get here in Janvier (oooh la la mon francais, c'est magnefique!). January for you is about the chocolate bomb cake, not the foie gras. So go ahead, eat the sugar! Just plan the meal you'll be eating in Fevrier. Bon appetit!

Taurus
April 20 to May 20

Jupiter's in your love zone this month, so when you get that feelin' give yourself some healin', if you know what I'm sayin'. You and your honey will be making the rest of us nauseous with your over abundant PDAs and makeout fests, but it's all good, cuz all you need is lurve. Go get it, tart.

Gemini
May 21 to June 20

After ringing in the New Year and nursing your hangover, you'll need to clear your cabeza. Pronto. Make like a granny and write yourself some honey-do lists. Organization is the key to your sanity in kicking off the New Year right, so take a cue from Monica Gellar and get it together.

Cancer
June 21 to July 22

What is it that they say about the details? I know proof is in the pudding, but details...what's the conventional wisdom? I can't remember. However, you should pay attention to the details because it's these self-same small morsels of seemingly insignificant information that can mean all the difference. Failing to read the fine print can result in disastrous consequences. But hanging out with your other friends will mean you can forgive yourself for the fact that your best friend said "knees" not "trees."

Leo
July 23 to Aug. 22

Normally you're in nonstop motion, but this month you'll make like glue and stay put. Instead of completely vegging out, take advantage of your downtime by reconnecting with that special someone, even if that special someone is you. You love you, and that's all you really need. Well, that and a lot of cash, but don't bank on that any time soon.

Virgo
Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Oh-so-creative Jupiter is in your sign this month, causing your inner Van Gogh to take center stage. This doesn't mean you should slice off your ear, but a room makeover just might be in order. Or perhaps a brow wax? Hint hint. Whatever your artistic endeavor, you'll feel proud and more confident than ever after finishing the job. Roar, baby, roar.

Libra
Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Finish what you start. That's what mom used to say when you dragged out the Oreos and proceeded to eat them. And you thought you could get to the end. You really did. But then your milk-to-cookie ratio wasn't quite as scientific as you thought it was, and you had to enlist the help of your little brother/sister to help you fulfill your mother's mandate. This is the kind of delegation you need to employ here in January. It's high time you start something, and hand it on to the next guy. Just make sure the next guy isn't a Leo.

Scorpio
Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Lucky you. Jupiter's in your friendship zone, making you the apple of everyone's eye this month. Instead of indulging the urge to put on a show for your audience, try being yourself for a change. I think you'll find people will stick around longer. As long as you continue to shower, stinky.

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Gosh, you're attractive. And you have been oozing with energy from last month. Don't go riding on your laurels though. This month you need to get out the vote, or whatever will make people positive-for-sure-no-doubt-about-it secure in the fact that you are an amazing person. This means sticking around for that friend in need, and failing to mention that they have a booger protruding from their left nostril. It's better that they don't suffer the indignity.

Look Into Your Past!
December 2003 Horoscopes
November 2003 Horoscopes
October 2003 Horoscopes
September 2003 Horoscopes
August 2003 Horoscopes
July 2003 Horoscopes
June 2003 Horoscopes
May 2003 Horoscopes
April 2003 Horoscopes
March 2003 Horoscopes