Horoscopes With a Twist for Minds That Are Twisted by: kelly and mary

July 2003

Celebrity Cancers: Kevin Bacon, Prince William, Liv Tyler, Tobey Maguire, Angelica Houston, George W. Bush, Courtney Love, Pamela Anderson Lee (Rock?), Tom Cruise, P.T. Barnum, Beck, Bill Cosby, Harrison Ford, Vin Diesel

Cancer
June 21 to July 22

With all the putting certain important things in place you've been doing, I'm surprised you haven't niched yourself a little shelf in this crazy world of ours. This is the month to start carving your own little hovel.

Leo
July 23 to Aug. 22

Your home life is "unsatisfying?" Fix it. Immediately. Then and only then can you get on with your more important obligations. Namely, your desire to rule the world as a one-person harmonica-playing fiend.

Virgo
Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Looks good for you, doesn't it? Things are really shaping up, eh? Listen. Try not to rub things in too many more unfortunate people's faces, okay? Nobody likes a braggart, especially one who looks down on from high on their newfound perch among the "gods." Perhaps your "gods" are not other people's "gods." Get it? Now shut it.

Libra
Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Check out the scales. You need to pass down some sort of judgment this month. No snap decision, okay? Don't send anyone to the electric chair either, it's just so passé.

Scorpio
Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Well, you've been busy! Slaving away doing new things, trying out new hats. Do any of them fit? Well, shouldn't you think about which hat fits better? No? You're gonna buy the first one you put on anyway? Okay. But don't tell me later that I should have been a better friend by trying to persuade you to put down the purple and gold pimp hat.

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

New things on the horizon. Old things on uh, the other horizon. Look around, is this how you expected things to be? Are you cool with it? If not, find yourself in a new mental space. Use the power of mind spoon-bending to get you where you need to go. Specifically, out of my way.

Capricorn
Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

I just read someone else's version of your horoscope this month. They say you will be tempted to use "emotional blackmail." Man, you suck. Don't do that. Especially to me or any of my close friends. Just. Back. Away.

Aquarius
Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

I predict you will come into some type of fortune this month. Whether it will be in the form of a sweet raise at work or just finding that last purple heart in the bowl of Lucky Charms, I cannot say. Perhaps either is fortunate for you.

Pisces
Feb. 19 to March 20

Are you feeling well? Moody much? Can't decide what to make of your circumstances? Just flow like the fish you are. Don't fight the flow or you may end up like that overused clip from PBS. The one where the Brown Bear catches the salmon jumping upstream. Let it be a lesson to you.

Aries
March 21 to April 19

Last month gave you a beating. As long as you chill out this month, don't let the drama bother you, your reward will arrive. Just don't take anything out on your friends. They don't deserve your attitude.

Taurus
April 20 to May 20

Your friends really like the way that you just ditch them when you have something "better" to do. Way to be a friend there, pal. Ever think there's more to friendship than climbing the social ladder? No? We can't tell from here.

Gemini
May 21 to June 20

You are headed for some major change this month. And we aren't talking about wallpaper. You are really shaking things up with all this career moving. You are setting examples for your friends and they appreciate you for it.

Look Into Your Past!
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