Horoscopes With a Twist for Minds That Are Twisted by: kelly and mary

June 2003

Gemini
May 21 to June 20

Happy birthday you two-faced, bi-polar nymph! You've been workin' hard for the money, so hard for it honey, now's the time to treat yourself right. Splurge a little this month -- upgrade from Ramen to Taco Bell, or finally get Caller ID so you can avoid those pesky telemarketers. Spend a few bucks on your lover, too, but be warned that the one you're with now won't be the one you're with at summer's end. But don't get too bummed, a fling's a fling and something better's waiting for you come September. Live, love, spend!

Celebrity Geminis: Marilyn Monroe, Angelina Jolie, Dr. Ruth, "Marky" Mark, Anna Kournikova, Natalie Portman, Johnny Depp, Elizabeth Hurley, Isabella Rossellini, Lenny Kravitz, Alanis Morissette

Cancer
June 21 to July 22

You're one crabby crab. But you're also quite rational. Therefore, you know you've been unbearable lately. What's the prob? Not getting enough attention in the bed, er I mean boardroom? Well, instead of sulking, why not get busy instead. Down a few liters of java and bust out a manifest a la Jerry Maguire. Your efforts will be rewarded in more ways than one.

Leo
July 23 to Aug. 22

Have you ever stopped to ask yourself why in the world you're such a moody bitch? Sure, sometimes this can work for you, like when you're trying to get something for free, but your friends and family are not appreciating your 'feistiness' this month. Take all that pent-up aggression on the road. The traveling will do you good and give you a fresher, calmer perspective on the future. Deep breaths.

Virgo
Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Like a Virgo…touched for the very first time. I'm not sure what I'm saying, but I am sure of this: You need a break! So thank your lucky stars it's summer and you can actually take a little time off to unwind. The R&R will do your personal life a ton of good, which in turn will make your professional battles that much easier to take.

Libra
Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Life is full of ups and downs, and for some reason, you are feeling down. Despite the fact that everything's just peachy. Come out from your drug-induced quasi-depression haze and see the chocolate at the end of the tunnel. It's yummy and does great things for your self esteem when eaten in bulk. Also, when was the last time you had a root beer float? Well, that's just too long my friend. Take care of these little things and the big things will fall perfectly into place.

Scorpio
Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

You get around. And everybody knows it. Your reputation's beyond repair on the chastity front, but it's never too late to enhance your reputation as master of the universe. You're the master of spin, so use that tongue-in-cheekiness to your advantage. By the time you're done with your nemeses, they'll forget why they hated you in the first place.

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Your patience has been running thin with coworkers, family and just about anyone and anything that crosses your path. But they'll get over it. Now that you've figured out that problem that's been eating away at you for gawd knows how long, it's time for a lil action in the back section if you know what I mean. What do I mean? Who knows. But I do know this, your time has come and the results will be apparent soon. Just hold out a few more weeks and the world will be your oyster.

Capricorn
Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

People have been stringing you along lately, pulling you in one direction after another. And you've been patiently taking it up the…well, you know. But now it's time to tell people off. Or at least start making them stroke your ego a tad more. It's time to assert some authority, be a (wo)man for a change. Just don't take it to the extreme or you'll end up where you started: lonely, broke and in a young boy's room covered with Justin Timberlake posters.

Aquarius
Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Some may say it's the Age of Aquarius, but they'd probably be having a midlife crisis on a boat in the middle of the sea, drinking Jim Beam and…wait, what were we talking about? Oh right, you. So you wanna move to Japan and be a rock star? Good for you. SARS is dying down (pardon the pun) and so I foresee nothing but sake and kimonos in your future. Bottom line: This month's all about change for you, and true to your Aquarius fashion, you should and will embrace it like the drama queen you are. Happy trails.

Pisces
Feb. 19 to March 20

This month, you're like a fish out of water. You feel off, but you don't quite know why. Keep swimmin' along, everything will work itself out by month's end. Just remember to pay your bills on time, or you might have a run-in with the law.

Aries
March 21 to April 19

Everyone you know is in a funk. Which is not so fun, is it? In fact, it's down right boring and annoying. But Aries, you must reach out and touch someone this month, and not like you're thinking perv. Be all that you can be by letting those around you mope. It'll pass and they'll remember the effort down the road when it's your turn to cry for Argentina.

Taurus
April 20 to May 20

Have you heard Ford's discontinuing your model? The Taurus that is. They're renaming it the Futura. Idiots. Well, Taurus, I'll tell you what's in your Futura -- a whole lotta gratuitous self-promotion. And cash. You lucky duck. Spend wisely or you'll be back to square one next month.

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