Horoscopes With a Twist for Minds That Are Twisted by: kelly and mary

March 2003

Pisces
Feb. 19 to March 20

They say you're a moody one. Perhaps you should slip into neutral for a change and try to tick off a few less people this month. How? By staying quiet. But maybe that's your problem in the first place -- staying quiet, when people ask questions -- just stop annoying your friends, will you? Oh, and happy birthday!

Aries
March 21 to April 19

You are well liked by many. But this may not last as your mood swings into hyperdrive, driving away those that think you are cool. What's left? To redefine the people that stay with you as cool. Or quit driving -- let someone else at the wheel, eh?

Taurus
April 20 to May 20

Why are you being so bullheaded? Maybe you should take other people's feelings into consideration before digging ahead and making everyone gasp. We are really tired of watching you plow ahead, not even knowing what it is you are shoveling. Might be nice for a change.

Gemini
May 21 to June 20

I hear you have a decision to make. And you can't make up your mind. The classic Gemini problem. No, it's cute, really. We love having to convince you one way just so you can change your mind to the complete opposite side, making us feel like total tools. Really!

Cancer
June 21 to July 22

You have a tendency to dominate and manipulate. That doesn't go over well with people in general, especially those in your cosmic circle. On their behalf, stop it please. Thanks.

Leo
July 23 to Aug. 22

So your New Year's resolutions have been tossed to the wayside -- that doesn't make you a complete failure. You're bound to light a fire up under your bootay, again, and only then will you understand the true power of kerosene. With this newfound energy, why not help out a friend in need? Once you stop wallowing in your own self-pity, you'll see that people need you. And people who need people are the luckiest people, it's true. Now, won't that feel good?

Virgo
Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

You really love yourself don't you? Well, here's the news: so does everyone else. Loves themselves that is, not you. But apparently you are "physically attractive," and that makes you think everyone loves you. Here's the distinction: Everyone loves the way you LOOK, not the way you are. So think about that the next time you assume you rule.

Libra
Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

When the tough gets goin', you get munchin'. But don't worry, you're not fat, but newsflash: your lover is. What's a chubby-chaser to do? Hit the gym for one, with chubalub in-tow, of course. Some good ol' fashioned 'Let’s Get Physical' is sure to put a spark in your step, and you just might meet a bigger, better deal in the process.

Scorpio
Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

You're going to die. But don't worry, so is everyone else, someday. Don't waste your precious time and energy obsessing about it though, when what you really should be doing is getting your freak on. Since you're talentless, moneyless, and let's face it, friendless, why not focus on your strengths: luring unsuspecting strangers into bed. Just remember to use protection.

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

You're a pretty good catch, but you're so much better when you're around your partner. Don't do anything stupid to mess it up. Friends may come and go but love is forever, right? Why not go out and buy your special someone something...special. I hear special people like that.

Capricorn
Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Let's face it, more often than not, you are boooring. Why not make March the month of change? Spice things up by taking a trip -- sans laptop -- or try something new like Karaoke, CardioStrip, or heck, the new Swiss Bacon Cheeseburger at Wendy's. Go nuts, you wild thang.

Aquarius
Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Oh, smashingly unique Aquarius. You may think of yourself as an original, but beware -- that "originality" just might be the cause of your failed relationships. One man's originality is another man's freak show. But you're an Aquarius -- you don't care what those commoners think. Besides, trust me on this one, you're not as dumb as you look, so tell all those naysayers to kiss it and get on with your oh-so-important life.