Horoscopes With a Twist for Minds That Are Twisted by: kelly and mary

March 2004

Celebrity Pisces: Drew Barrymore, James Van Der Beek, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Cindy Crawford, Lili Taylor, Kelsey Grammer, Bruce Willis, Freddie Prinze, Jr.

Pisces
Feb. 19 to March 20

Happy Birthday, fish face! You've got one H-E-double hockey sticks of a month here. You'll be included in some major social events this month, so make sure you clear the calendar of any potentially embarrassing obligations. Like say, that liposuction appointment. You may need it, but not if it falls on the same day as the party of the century. If people get pissed off at you this month, make sure you know it's about what you did at said party, before you go making reparations. It could have been that nasty crab dip.

Aries
March 21 to April 19

You, my friend, are making all the right moves. Everyone's lapping up the luxury that seems to enshroud you wherever you set up port. The only advice I've got for you my fair and fancy Aries is to make sure you are staying genuine to the cause. You are doing all this because you like to, right? Not because you want the credit, right? That's what I thought. I wouldn't want to call you a "sell out," but others might. So watch it.

Taurus
April 20 to May 20

Honesty is truly the best policy. It may be harder than finding Osama Bin Laden in an election year, but it's really the only way to push past the things that are hindering your progress as a fully functioning Taurus. You have many plans on the horizon and you just have to map out your route. Take into account that the lobster dish is not always better than the grilled cheese, especially when you take your wallet into account.

Gemini
May 21 to June 20

Watch the sarcasm, buddy. It's made for those of us who can wield it without either getting caught or getting into a fight. So be sure you go light on the mean sauce this month, as you will likely offend someone with your cattiness. It's best to take your time about making decisions, especially about what you say to whom and when. And where. And how. In general, we are watching and waiting for a good reason to be pissed off at you.

Cancer
June 21 to July 22

March looks like it's shaping up pretty well for you. Makes sense since we're in Pisces time, an amenable era for most Cancers. Now's the time to get out and see all your friends, skip on the guilt, and shift into pleasure stage. You'll face difficulties, I'm sure, but what you need to keep sight of is that there's a phone call just waiting to be made where you can feel the love. Millions are standing by, waiting for your call. You better call Tyrone.

Leo
July 23 to Aug. 22

Roar baby roar! This month lions go back to ruling everything in sight, so all will feel right with you once again. You'd been getting a lil testy and may I say paranoid lately. However, spring suits you well -- just be sure not to wear too much gold and chiffon, or overrule the queendom too often. Four words of warning: mutiny on the bounty. Capiche?

Virgo
Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

It's no secret you like the finer things in life, but baby, you've got a budget to maintain. Instead of splurging on yet another designer dress you'll only wear once, why not do an overhaul of your closet, use Ebay for the bitch that is -- or the local consignment shop -- and take your newfound income to some vintage boutiques to restock? It's more fun that way and you're sure to score style points for originality. And trust me, you need the points, love-love.

Libra
Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Feeling a lil neglected lately? Like no one cares or even realizes you're alive? There's a reason for it: No one cares or realizes you're alive. But newsflash, poncharoo, you can change that. Try talking with people instead of at them, and giving more gifts can't hurt either. No one ever said buying friends was wrong.

Scorpio
Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

You're known for being a pain in the ass, but even you must be tired of playing the drama queen. Give us all a break by taking a break yourself. Spring is finally in the air, so air out…go enjoy the sunshine and stuff your face so we don't have to hear you talk. Just be careful not to choke, because I'm not sure that anyone would try to save you.

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

I don't like giving advice like this because it's soo damn boooring, but this time it's truly in your best interest: Lay low, sweet cheerio. For the powers that be don't need anyone else in the way. Sucks, I know. But if you comply, you'll come out numero uno -- where you belong. You do like being on top, don't you?

Capricorn
Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Careful there with the paranoia. One of the things people say about paranoia is that this kind of "everyone is against me" mentality only brings on more and more resentment, which will only feel more and more like everyone IS against you. The best way to deal with paranoia is not to accept lies either. The best possible course of action is to stay under a rock. No fear, just laying low, watching but not reacting. Like some sort of sea creature that watches the ocean like a TV. Comprende, Nemo?

Aquarius
Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Hate to break it to you slugga, but family and friends are a little tired of your lameass excuses. All they wanna do is see you, maybe chat a little. Can't you make the time? Lemme rephrase: Make the time, or you'll find yourself in your most feared state ever -- alone, all all alone.

Look Into Your Past!
February 2004 Horoscopes
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