Horoscopes With a Twist for Minds That Are Twisted by: kelly and mary

May 2003

Taurus
April 20 to May 20

Alright Taurus. Time's up. It's been another year. I hope you did it right. You went to hell and back last year, and now it's time to cash in your chips. What's your net? Loss? Too bad, there's always next year. Gain? Just hand that over to me, it was probably my doing anyway. You're welcome, now gimme!

Celebrity Taureans: Renee Zellweger, Kirsten Dunst, Janet Jackson

Gemini
May 21 to June 20

Cruising you were. Things got better last month, but you can look forward to Jupiter to keep things on lock for at least another month. Get away from everyone, especially me -- I don't need your mania. When your birth month arrives, then and only then can you feel free to not worry about how much you play video games.

Cancer
June 21 to July 22

Spring heralds new beginnings all around, and let's not forget that you are the one who needs this newness. You're kinda decrepit. Get some new threads, or new digs, we've been waiting all winter. Check out The DailyBuss for more ideas. You need 'em.

Leo
July 23 to Aug. 22

You've been working your fiery ass off, so prepare to reap the rewards. Just be sure to share the wealth with those near and dear who have supported you through your battles. Keep up the intense work ethic through summer, as your colleagues submit to the all-too-tempting laid-back summer life. The head honchos will notice, and you'll come out on top come fall.

Virgo
Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Have you felt like you were in quicksand up to your shoulders? Yeah? Well, that's because you haven't gotten out of bed and you've been there so long dust has settled and compacted into newly formed sedentary rock. May is gonna chip away at your rock blanket, but you have to get your pick ax out and work your way outwards. This is the only way to get even an inch closer to your frosted flakes in the kitchen. Won't that be grrreat?!

Libra
Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Life has been surprisingly good lately, full of travel and fun times. That's probably because you've been extra-giving with friends and family, hence good karma's been floating your way. And with good karma comes opportunity. You'll be confronted with a major life decision: should you embark on this new opportunity or stay in your cush position? Either way, things will work out fine -- it just depends if you're up for an exciting adventure or if you'd rather play it safe. Would you regret your choice five years from now? Only you know the answer.

Scorpio
Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Patience is for suckers, right? Well prepare to be a sucker for a little while. Your low-keyness will be appreciated, especially by your extensive -- and exhausted - circle of friends. Conflicts in the workplace will blow over by month's end, at which time your own sense of normalcy will resume. Hang in there.

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

You've conquered your current digs and you're ready for the next big thing. The question is: How much are you willing to risk to get to the next plateau? Sometimes going with your gut instinct is the best way to go. Just remember: the journey really is what counts, not the destination. Travel lightly. You've got a decent amount to lose, but a hell of a lot to gain. Make like Nike and just do it.

Capricorn
Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Spring is in the air, and love is soon to be, too. Are you ready for that jelly? If not, shower, shave, spritz on the good-smelling stuff and get out there! You're not getting any younger, and your soulmate is waiting for you! Just be sure not to be too judgmental -- you wouldn't want to miss out on the love of your life because of misleading first impressions.

Aquarius
Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Know when to hold 'em. Know when to fold 'em. Know when to walk away. Know when to run. Words to live by, my friend! Deep down, something's just not working for you -- and you know what it is. Are you gonna hold 'em or run? If all of your obligations are in order, I say strap on those kicks and run. Your future awaits.

Pisces
Feb. 19 to March 20

You've been battered around a couple of times in the past few months. Every trail you've undertaken has failed miserably. Well, I can say you've at least failed better than most. You lost the whole cabana. But now, now is the time to focus and finally get that sentence read that you've been working for the past 10 years: The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog.

Aries
March 21 to April 19

Partied enough last month? Maybe a little too much? Feeling the pangs of letting it all run loose? There's still time to lose weight and/or save money before you have to bribe your way out of jail. Get to work!

Look Into Your Past!
April Horoscopes
March Horoscopes