Horoscopes With a Twist for Minds That Are Twisted by: kelly and mary

November 2003

Celebrity Scorpios: Pablo Picasso, Kevin Kline, Sylvia Plath, John Cleese, Bill Gates, Truman Capote, Ezra Pound, Larry Flint, Vivian Leigh, Maria Shriver, Lou Ferrigno, Kurt Vonnegaut, Demi Moore, Grace Kelly, Goldie Hawn, Jody Foster

Scorpio
Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Yo! Happy Birthday dude! It's your birthday, so I won't bring the sarcasm too much. I just really want to tell you to stop whining, that you have no friends and that people treat you like poo poo. Shut it. It ain't happening right now. You are incredibly popular, and all of your friends adore you. Soon, however, with your unappreciative behavior, they will dump you. Have you ever even thought about writing a thank you note?

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Yeah, so you want something. And you aren't willing to do anything to get it. In fact, you are willing to do nothing more than sit on your couch to get it. And I assume that the thing you want is not hemorrhoids. If it is, keep on sitting. If it isn't, get your own ass out of the chair, go down to the store and hook you up! Stop asking your roommate to grab stuff for you. Your deli guy misses you.

Capricorn
Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Okay capi-co! You best get on the ball about things before the network goes haywire. Right now you've got stuff on the stove and it's all simmering nicely. Perhaps it's time to spice and remove before soup boils over and creates narsty smells. Best to hook you up with some foresight. Get those glasses. And hook me up with a pair while you're at it.

Aquarius
Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Awesome, you are blazing all kinds of trails here. Making your own world out there, not conforming to people's views and advice on how best to make a buck/get happy/feed yourself. You go on right ahead with the hair-brained alternative egg machine idea that both entertains and cooks. What do we know, right? Jack in terms of your world...obviously.

Pisces
Feb. 19 to March 20

Your vision is clearer than it's ever been, yet you're somehow missing the big picture. Instead of focusing on all the little things, go climb a mountain and tell us what you see. Yodel-ha-la-la-ee-doooo!

Aries
March 21 to April 19

There are people around you who really care about your welfare. If you could just stop for a second and realize that you aren't always the one who knows best, and that stabbing yourself in the hand with a knife isn't the coolest way to prove you've grown up, you might just stay alive to shake hands in the new year.

Taurus
April 20 to May 20

You partied hard, then crashed even harder. Now's the time to recoup. Bust a downward dog and things should look less ruff for you this month. Tip: Keep your criticisms to yourself on Turkey Day.

Gemini
May 21 to June 20

New prospects are on the horizon. Maybe you've just invented something cool and are waiting to reveal it on QVC, or maybe you've finally scored the digits of that hottie you've been stalking. Either way, November is your oyster. Gulp.

Cancer
June 21 to July 22

Your normally frantic mind is kept calm(er) this month, thanks to many lighthearted distractions. Notice all those people around you? Unusual, right? Maybe it's because you've finally swallowed and digested that chill pill. Something to ponder.

Leo
July 23 to Aug. 22

If you're happy and you know it clap your hands. Ouch! Your clapping was so loud it nearly busted my eardrum! While I'm happy for you, I don't wanna end up like Rush Limbaugh, jobless and doped up on OxyContin, so crank it down just a hair. Can you hear me now? Good. Keep up the good work, people are really digging the new positive you.

Virgo
Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Like all neurotic signs of the zodiac, you've been bustin' your hump lately. Organizing, compiling data, scrubbin' bubbles. Huh? But even you are bored with yourself. Why not toss that feather duster to the side, throw on some new shoes and go dance the night away! Or at least til 10... Party on.

Libra
Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Time to grow up. It's been cozy in the baby crib, but now it's time. Time to go ahead and crawl around and say, "ga ga goo goo." Your abnormally long time in the crib has meant you are an oddball among houseguests. At middle age, how did you manage to parlay your way into a relationship? However you managed to do that, we are surprised and astounded. Congrats. But yeah, it's time to speak and let me suggest your first words: "BussBuss."

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