Horoscopes With a Twist for Minds That Are Twisted by: kelly and mary

October 2003

Celebrity Libras: F. Scott Fitzgerald, Barbara Walters, Michael Douglas, Brigitte Bardot, Jeff Goldblum, Timothy Leary, Carrie Fisher, John Lithgow, Arthur Miller, Friedrich Nietzsche, John Mellencamp, John Lennon, Sigourney Weaver

Libra
Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Yeah, so you are gonna have some friend? Or something? That gets sick, right? And your'e gonna visit them? And it's gonna seem like you are feeling sick when you get home? But don't try to steal their thunder by faking an asthma attack literally the day after you visit them. Not cool. Okay? Good. Oh, and happy birthday, you turkey!

Scorpio
Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Dude. I understand you are going through some problems lately. Believe me, I hear you. But there's no reason to go around insulting people based on your own issues. Just because you have a self-image problem doesn't mean you can go ahead and pick faults of others. You are wasting other people's time to insult them in a way that could only be appropriate for yourself. Get over it, and stop lashing out at me.

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

You are so amazing in so many ways this month. Everywhere and anywhere, you mark yourself as one who is up for anything. People want to be with you this month, make sure you prioritize and only hang out with only really really cool people. (Really cool people like me.)

Capricorn
Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

You are gonna have a busy month here, emotionally and professionally. But because you stick your nose to the grindstone, you will meet the challenge with diligence and perseverance. Good going there… keep up your pace all month. That way, the rest of us can relax and watch the show.

Aquarius
Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Your recent change has impressed those around you. Everyone is going to ask to be kept in the loop about what's going on in your life. Tell them only what makes you sound fabulous. Two reasons: 1) It's easier to pretend than face "reality" and 2) No one wants to hear your problems anyway.

Pisces
Feb. 19 to March 20

Lost in space. That's you. Missionless, depleted of any emotion, and severely craving oxygen. Take advantage of the crisp autumn air and get out of the city. Take a hike, literally. You'll clear you mind and feel recharged for the many tasks ahead of you in the next few months.

Aries
March 21 to April 19

Awesome. Your energies are up. Just in time for lots of work to get piled on your plate. But no worries- you've got enough energy to finish in time, and enough resources to help you, should you need them. So you should breeze through as if watching your ideal world opening before your eyes. Cool, right? Just make sure you thank those that help, otherwise you will get nothing in the future. You've been warned.

Taurus
April 20 to May 20

Your life has been like an episode of "The Bachelor" - unjustifiably out of control, but with you eating up every minute. I lurve to be the one to break it to you, but even "The Bachelor" comes to an end, just like your party's about to. There's something to be said for monogamy, you polygamist. Holla!

Gemini
May 21 to June 20

Speaking very broadly, most everyone hates you. And speaking even more generally, everybody loves you. It's your charming split personality. You've probably learned by now that you can't please everybody. So why not keep pleasing yourself? Just use protection.

Cancer
June 21 to July 22

October's steamrolled in faster than your panties came off last New Year's Eve. Are you ready for this jelly? Yes! October will treat you well as long as you keep giving out positive vibes. Think. Positive.

Leo
July 23 to Aug. 22

Lately you've been feeling alone and unsure of most everything, most importantly your current living situation. Should you move, should you stay, should you have Chinese or Mexican tonight? I ask you this: Would you ponder the same thing in your next location? Well?

Virgo
Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

You've been working your ever-expanding ass off lately, but where has it gotten you? Perhaps earning a smidge more than before, but with no friends and a spongy behind? Something to ponder when you're watching yet another cheesy Nora Ephron movie on yet another lonely Saturday night. Take heart, however; you are the master of your own fate. So work on that whole work/life balance thing and you might just find yourself watching Sleepless in Seattle with someone special before the year is over.

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