Horoscopes With a Twist for Minds That Are Twisted by: kelly and mary

September 2003

Celebrity Virgos: River Phoenix, Joan Jett, Richard Gere, Gloria Estefan, Charlie Sheen, Peter Sellers, Mickey Mouse, Stephen King, Bill Murray

Virgo
Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

You've gotten busy, no? Working and working and working. It's what you do all day. 24 /7! Geez, are you trying to prove a point? Like that they should make more hours in the day? Just for you? How self absorbed. Think about what those extra hours would do to those of us that die of boredom every time we can't dream up another way to take good paying jobs away from people who are needy.

Libra
Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Damn! You've been one crazy productive being as of late. You're a multitasking master - getting physical, networking, even (gasp!) cooking. There's not one lazy bone to be found in your newly taut body. Life threw you what seemed like a big curveball, but you just hit it out of the park. The homeruns will last as long as you keep swinging.

Scorpio
Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

You're restless and you can't figure out why all of your friends are so boring. Perhaps it's time to start looking inward for the answers. Could it be that they're just boring around you? I think we both know the answer. Remember that self reliance is key in this untamable world. It is only then that you will be able to unlock the mystery that is cheese. Er, I mean life.

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

You've been in a fog lately, not quite sure what to do with yourself. You've pondered the meaning of life and come up with, well, nada. Not to fret, like the leaves, you too will be changing this month. You'll be a tad cooler, a smidge crisper, and generally inspired by the change of scenery. The newness will last as long as you keep making apple pie out of sour apples. Three words: A la mode.

Capricorn
Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Something's gotten into you, or should I say your pants, lately? You're a much more optimistic Cappy and it's rubbing off on those around you. Notice all those people just flocking to you like pigeons to Japanese tourists? Enjoy it now because it won't last for long. You're pessimistic ways will infiltrate once again and you'll be wallowing in your beer as you reminisce about all the fun you had way back when last September.

Aquarius
Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

There's really no point in telling you anything, is there? After all, you're going to make your own destiny. You've got it all under control in your own happy lil world. You've got a hot new flame, a fab social life and a job that at least pays the bills. What more could you ask for? How about some depth? Don't forget there are those who live outside of your happiverse and they're in desperate need of some attention. Give it up.

Pisces
Feb. 19 to March 20

After all is said and done, I love you Pisces. You hit the dirt over and over and over, and still manage to come up winning sometimes. Most notably last month. Congratulations! Don't get cocky, that's something only a "real" Pisces would do.

Aries
March 21 to April 19

It's high time to get back into the swing of things. Summer was grand wasn't it? Well, fall has begun with all of its responsibility and pain of daily living. Prepare yourself, as times, they are a changin'. Tick. Tock.

Taurus
April 20 to May 20

You seem to have toned it down a bit. Sure, you may be engaging in a lifestyle that is way beyond safe and hella into dangerous. But you're living it, not shouting it. Listen, just don't come crying to me when you have some crazy venereal disease, or you get knocked out of your mind because you wanted to join that biker gang for the "life experience."

Gemini
May 21 to June 20

Good for you trying new stuff. Out there? That's you. Lonely? That's you. But we're here watching, waiting. You can't tell where our bet lies. We could have put that $20 on you winning and taking all. But who's to say we didn't put another $30 on you falling flat on your face? In either case, we are watching.

Cancer
June 21 to July 22

You need to watch your pockets, pal. There's somebody trying to take some cookies out of your jar and they may or may not have chocolatey fingers afterwards. And their hands may or may not look exactly like mine. You've been warned.

Leo
July 23 to Aug. 22

Lately you've been pretty self involved and particularly ungrateful. And people are starting to notice. Life is not all about the take. You may be used to 'What Leo wants, Leo gets,' but that's only true if your last name is DiCaprio. Ya, copy? Tone it down or September will bite you in your smart ass.

Look Into Your Past!
August Horoscopes
July Horoscopes
June Horoscopes
May Horoscopes
April Horoscopes
March Horoscopes